01-25-2017, 05:18 AM
Hi Rogo, I find your poems quite hard to critique in a line-by-line sense so I'm actually not going to try as I don't think there's a great deal of benefit to doing so. Let's take it as a whole and find the things that stand out.
You open with an imperative, instantly setting up an unequal relationship between speaker and spoken to/ reader. Essentially "look upon my deliberate error and be amazed by my genius". The icon becomes an object of ridicule; "guffaw" is such an awful word and you use it perfectly. It describes laughter, which is generally a happy and pleasant thing, but in this case you make it seem derisive, abrasive and the mark of superiority.
"Peals" calls back to the guffaw of laughter but doesn't quite jell for me, as a guffaw is a single burst. I consider pealing of bells, but am not sure how this would fit (bearing in mind, I'm not American so might miss some cultural references). "Cast of dye" through me until you put in "painted" and it took me to a skin colour place. (Forgive my superfluous "u" -- I can't misspell as casually as the entirety of the USA
). The painted axiom is essentially redesigned truth, and very clever.
I do think the sun/son thing might be overdone and falling slightly toward heavy-handed. I'm also not sold on flat out stating "nihilism", but that may be simply my personal aversion to abandoning subtlety.
Hope that's in some way helpful.
You open with an imperative, instantly setting up an unequal relationship between speaker and spoken to/ reader. Essentially "look upon my deliberate error and be amazed by my genius". The icon becomes an object of ridicule; "guffaw" is such an awful word and you use it perfectly. It describes laughter, which is generally a happy and pleasant thing, but in this case you make it seem derisive, abrasive and the mark of superiority.
"Peals" calls back to the guffaw of laughter but doesn't quite jell for me, as a guffaw is a single burst. I consider pealing of bells, but am not sure how this would fit (bearing in mind, I'm not American so might miss some cultural references). "Cast of dye" through me until you put in "painted" and it took me to a skin colour place. (Forgive my superfluous "u" -- I can't misspell as casually as the entirety of the USA
). The painted axiom is essentially redesigned truth, and very clever. I do think the sun/son thing might be overdone and falling slightly toward heavy-handed. I'm also not sold on flat out stating "nihilism", but that may be simply my personal aversion to abandoning subtlety.
Hope that's in some way helpful.
It could be worse