Cities
#4
(01-23-2017, 12:45 AM)j56 Wrote:  Chewing gum stained streets
are the city's freckles -
Our manifest idiosyncrasies.
Like the bright lights
which blemish the dark Earth.
Humanity's beacons
that counter the crawl
of dark uniformity:
In pairs, on motorways
illuminating intention and 
extinguishing the humdrum.

Or maybe it's just litter and light pollution.
Hi Jc - I find the opening metaphor hard to swallow because freckles:face and chewingConfusedtreets are order of magnitude disproportionate. 
L3 is just there for the rhyme. It sounds grand, but the period implies that chewing gum stained streets are somehow our manifest idiosyncrasies. Makes no sense.
The ending comes across as a weak joke "ha ha ha I wasn't serious he whole while". That's be easy way out.
~ I think I just quoted myself - Achebe
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Messages In This Thread
Cities - by j56 - 01-23-2017, 12:45 AM
RE: Cities - by Weeded - 01-23-2017, 01:40 AM
RE: Cities - by RiverNotch - 01-23-2017, 02:30 PM
RE: Cities - by Achebe - 01-24-2017, 10:22 AM
RE: Cities - by Scribner1 - 01-29-2017, 04:58 AM
RE: Cities - by fanakz - 02-05-2017, 09:21 AM



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