01-23-2017, 02:12 PM
In the pet store, her eyes
were like a puppies puppy’s
before it’s given a treat.
It was November, comma may be unnecessary
and the ground was wet
from last nights rain. night’s
Outside a coffee house
a busker played Hank Williams, comma maybe unnecessary, or perhaps should be after “Outside” instead
and she gave him a cigarette or perhaps you could make the form a bit stricter, such that you replace the comma with, say, an em dash, then remove the next line
in lieu of change.
When we got to the park,
she said some trees look better
without their leaves.
The whole thing’s a scene. I feel it, so I guess it works.
were like a puppies puppy’s
before it’s given a treat.
It was November, comma may be unnecessary
and the ground was wet
from last nights rain. night’s
Outside a coffee house
a busker played Hank Williams, comma maybe unnecessary, or perhaps should be after “Outside” instead
and she gave him a cigarette or perhaps you could make the form a bit stricter, such that you replace the comma with, say, an em dash, then remove the next line
in lieu of change.
When we got to the park,
she said some trees look better
without their leaves.
The whole thing’s a scene. I feel it, so I guess it works.