01-22-2017, 07:30 PM
Before you read my notes I want to first say I really liked this piece and would love to keep up with it and see the final product. I really felt the emotional struggle of the piece and I hope my notes help!
The Fires of Betrayal.
I saw betrayal happen
right before my eyes
before my eyes saw it
coming. I see your use of repetition is attempting to evoke that feeling
where you get so angry or upset you start to mutter or chant phrases
I appreciate where it is coming from but shouldn't be used as a crutch throughout
the whole poem and definitely shouldn't be over stretched
It's deep inside
where I saw it occur
while manifesting into
a physical occurrence,
a day, or days that ensued.
Definitely like the internal metaphysical to physical vibe
I accepted the ramifications
but the matured ram's horns
already pierced the target.
this stanza makes the rest of your poem an absolute
it can not go back from this point
I like that idea but I personally think maybe there is
a stronger imagery or maybe an even more permanent
consequence within the metaphor that could be used
*off topic but props if you've actually seen the ringing bell*
I forgave the wrongdoings
by memory of my own.
I'm surely not the only
being to be of fault,
or perhaps I sought Being
by perceiving the moment as
lessons I should learn.
Not forgiving.
Unaware of Being.
nice use of the double meaning here
Purposeful deceptions,
by my own diligent mind
that is separate of who is really to come.
A real me.
She did not cause the pain I feel.
I implanted it before she ever could,
for my own bearings did not match
the predicted weight.
she did in fact, trigger what was planted.
My own trap, a trap to burn.
Burn the seams, burn the cords, burn the foundations.
Set ablaze to all that was constructed.
Each screw, every rod, every brick.
Carrying a great weight of consciousness on top.
File cabinets stacked next to each other. Heirlooms I promised to cherish in my eternity
I love construction imagery in poems maybe this could be established a bit earlier and then we see it all burn down?
Books and pictures. Categorized in neat piles.
Black boxes engraved with the words "caution"
All ablaze.
All turned to ash.
All set to die.
My own betrayal.
My own trap.
My own bridge.
Ok so the ending... I didn't feel the aftermath of the burning like I saw where the flames grew and grew inside you
I saw where they hit that pinnacle and the wrath but i missed that final cinder go out and I really wanted that last spark to die off and leave me as a reader almost empty inside that feeling afterwords you almost had it to with cutting down in the last two stanzas and changing it up but I feel like with a poem like this, and trust me I thought this piece is awesome, I just wanted that last moment of surrender. I hope some of this helps by the way I'm new to the critique thing.
The Fires of Betrayal.
I saw betrayal happen
right before my eyes
before my eyes saw it
coming. I see your use of repetition is attempting to evoke that feeling
where you get so angry or upset you start to mutter or chant phrases
I appreciate where it is coming from but shouldn't be used as a crutch throughout
the whole poem and definitely shouldn't be over stretched
It's deep inside
where I saw it occur
while manifesting into
a physical occurrence,
a day, or days that ensued.
Definitely like the internal metaphysical to physical vibe
I accepted the ramifications
but the matured ram's horns
already pierced the target.
this stanza makes the rest of your poem an absolute
it can not go back from this point
I like that idea but I personally think maybe there is
a stronger imagery or maybe an even more permanent
consequence within the metaphor that could be used
*off topic but props if you've actually seen the ringing bell*
I forgave the wrongdoings
by memory of my own.
I'm surely not the only
being to be of fault,
or perhaps I sought Being
by perceiving the moment as
lessons I should learn.
Not forgiving.
Unaware of Being.
nice use of the double meaning here
Purposeful deceptions,
by my own diligent mind
that is separate of who is really to come.
A real me.
She did not cause the pain I feel.
I implanted it before she ever could,
for my own bearings did not match
the predicted weight.
she did in fact, trigger what was planted.
My own trap, a trap to burn.
Burn the seams, burn the cords, burn the foundations.
Set ablaze to all that was constructed.
Each screw, every rod, every brick.
Carrying a great weight of consciousness on top.
File cabinets stacked next to each other. Heirlooms I promised to cherish in my eternity
I love construction imagery in poems maybe this could be established a bit earlier and then we see it all burn down?
Books and pictures. Categorized in neat piles.
Black boxes engraved with the words "caution"
All ablaze.
All turned to ash.
All set to die.
My own betrayal.
My own trap.
My own bridge.
Ok so the ending... I didn't feel the aftermath of the burning like I saw where the flames grew and grew inside you
I saw where they hit that pinnacle and the wrath but i missed that final cinder go out and I really wanted that last spark to die off and leave me as a reader almost empty inside that feeling afterwords you almost had it to with cutting down in the last two stanzas and changing it up but I feel like with a poem like this, and trust me I thought this piece is awesome, I just wanted that last moment of surrender. I hope some of this helps by the way I'm new to the critique thing.