Writer's Taunt

[Lizzie]

Hi Carrie. I can see the element of taunting in the poem, but I don't know how especially it relates to being a writer. Not everyone writes for the same reasons, so maybe change it to be more personal or specific to your method or convictions.

Ok, onward.

Writer's Taunt

If I cut a t-shaped gash into my flesh, -- good sonics with shaped, flesh, chest, gash

And yanked out the heart from my chest,
To show you the still wonder of it; -- comma instead of semi colon
Would you turn from me disgusted? -- interesting how you say me, instead of it. Not good or bad, I just would expect you to write it as the reader would be turning away from the dismembered heart and spilling blood, not from the speaker. Just interesting, that's all.

And as dark blood pumps thickly, -- how would thick blood splash?
Spilling black splashes under shaded moonlight,
Unleashing the horrors that lurk in my very veins; -- don't need 'very' -- comma instead of semi colon
Would you gag on the realities that squirm there? -- what's squirming, the blood or the heart, or something else unnamed? It's too ambiguous, especially for a poem that claims to be about showing something clearly to the reader.

In the clotted patterns of my stagnant fluids, -- in the previous stanza the blood is splashing, but here it is clotted and stagnant. So, time has passed? That handoff between stanzas seems to be leaving out some kind of critical transition.
Put on display on the cold gravel, -- gravel is loose and cement is hard.....there are so many inconsistencies in the imagery.
Your feet are cemented to; -- comma instead of semi colon
Would you see how the white, pale moon, -- white and pale is redundant.
Fractures into a galaxy of tiny stars, -- at a loss as to how the moon splits into stars? What am I missing?
As it reflects from the rounded beads of spatter? -- here the blood is beading up...so it's not clotted yet.

Do you see beauty love? -- comma after beauty
Beauty in the dark recesses of incessant alleys, -- maybe 'endless' alleys instead of 'incessant'
Where monsters stalk the sick and weary,
And the mysterious low eyes, -- maybe 'their' instead of 'the', to make it clear that it's the monster's eyes
That reflect bawdy neon,
Watching for the same lost, -- good collection of sonics with bawdy, neon, and lost
Who wander here seeking to be found in faded dreams? -- faded dreams is meaningless. The sentence would be stronger stopping after found.

Follow me there, -- trying to
Take my red-gloved hand, -- red gloved is referencing the blood, yes? Yet, previously you described the blood as being black.
And mind my falling insides, -- why the weak and unevocative 'falling' after so many other strong words like stalk, bawdy, lurk? Make every word count.
Step around the gore in your clean shoes,
And I will show you a wonder.

Stanza 4 is a big thematic break with the others; it feels interjected and out of place. Perhaps it could be part of a different poem? No idea why my font here is so small, btw.

The challenge of taking something that many would look at as ugly or horrible and showing the beauty in it can yield interesting results. My hope is that you will carry on past the 'gore' to describe the wonder that you reference -- as it is, we're left holding the ugly and wondering where the wonder is.

So, I'd work initially on clarity and consistency of images, continuity between stanzas, and showing the reader the wonder not just telling about it.

You can do it!

Hope this helps some,

Cheers.