Walkabout - Edit

[rollingbrianjones]

This poem is pretty minimal, thus I struggle a bit providing serious word for word/line for line criticism. 
Struggling further as I really love the images you so easily portray, and wouldn't want to suggest changing their portrayal!
Yet overall felt I wanted more of a summarised feeling or forced effect after reading the poem in its entirety.
Great images, largely well written, hints at further meaning- but I wanted a bit more! Don't want to sound critical though, I still enjoyed it for the images alone.  

Some thoughts below, some boringly echoing the sentiment above and some attempting to provoke thought for change/revision.

In the pet store, her eyes
were like a puppies
before it’s given a treat. 
Can this opening^^^ be stronger? 
"In the pet store *comma*"... can that be revised? 
Maybe a verb for the action of her eyes, rather than a meek "In the". 

Not examples I would use, as it's your piece and I suggest only to spark thought and as I make the point with more clarity than I could explain-: "Scanning the pet store"/"Skimming the pet store" - then perhaps, as you use enjambment throughout a v.short piece, no comma in the first line but one used later? As in: "[verb] the pet store // her eyes were like a puppies, // expecting a treat".  


It was November,
and the ground was wet
from last nights rain.

This stanza^^^ I definitely found to be the weakest- in terms of imagery, wording and what it gives the reader in terms of contribution towards the overall/complete read.
Yeah, rain, wet, etc is a romantic/tragically romantic, cliche so it adds to the piece in that respect- very obviously. 
In this respect, obvious is certainly effective! But perhaps a challenge is to retain the obvious message and strength of the notion, but write it a little better/less commonly? Your other images in the poem are so strongly communicated I don't feel you need to jump to rainy imagery, but as you do [use this image], you may as well have a go at doing it beautifully (in terms of language used).

Again I suggest to spark revision not because I think the suggestion is any better- but I think you could do more with the "It was", the "and the" and the "from"? Maybe that might add more poignancy for the reader. 
[b]Without full knowledge of context thus I'm merely suggesting: "Our last November, // treading ground soaked // after last night's rain"[/b]
I'm all for poetry as an outlet, as a method of expression others can relate to. But if you want others to read and appreciate beyond an "I can relate to this", I think you should aim for the strongest choices of word through open minded revision. 
I assume you are at least in part considering this as you have posted in 'serious critique'.
Without full knowledge of context, hence why this could be a misguided suggestion: "Our last November, // Beneath our feet wet// scarred by last night's rain"
Sorry a weak and quickly thrown down suggestion but I hope it at least makes my point!  


Outside a coffee house
a busker played Hank Williams,
and she gave him a cigarette
in lieu of change.

Love the image and simplicity ^ Do you need "and"? Do you think a full stop after "Williams" then a new sentence starting with "She..." is worth considering? 

When we got to the park,
she said some trees look better
without their leaves.

Again I love the image. Would like more info as a reader imagining the simple but suggestive action of the piece.
Less "when we got to", consider deeper more artistic phrasing/words.

Had a go at a lengthy-ish critique as you chose this section to post in. But in all honesty, I enjoyed it and the poem does the job as is- maybe the ambiguity even helps. But hope that gives you some considerations for any revision.

RBJ