01-18-2017, 03:14 PM
The poem’s lovely. I don’t feel like it needs much changing, but I’ll go ahead and violate it anyway.
Our children ride bikes in circles Yeah, simplification would be nice, plus it makes for a sharper sound. “Our children biKe in cirCles”
while we, the parents, flock “floCK”
along the sidewalk like birds on a wire.
(I always heard that birds have church too,
congregated like strings of black pearls.) I sort of agree that these three lines diminish, but the presentation of the sister image of a parliament of rooks here is gold.
We are the Church of St. Coca—
cappuccino, latte, mocha. In yoga pants,
rain boots, and Seahawks sweatshirts—
a heathen's Sunday best – we are the Church of I didn’t mind the reuse of Church, but on second thought, yeah, it’s a bit of a turnaround. I would also prefer if of was pushed to the next line, as everything else seems clean enough.
“How do your kids like Mrs. So and So's class?”
Weather cycles, property lines,
water pressure, recycling schedules: our education
comes from Gary, a friendly tarantula Yeah, the turn here doesn’t work for me, either. It’s not the image, but the way it’s phrased – it sets up surreal expectations that doesn’t fit in with the rest of the piece. Perhaps break up the following line, then distribute: “comes from Gary, a tarantula of a man / with fuzzy-bear caterpillar eyebrows.”
of a man—slow and hairy—
with fuzzy-bear caterpillar eyebrows.
He explains passages of the HOA manual
and intercedes on our behalf
with our president, to whom we pay our dues. I like the double meaning, at least in my political mind, of “president” here. But with “intercedes”, I somehow think more ecclesiastical terms are needed here, as in the line on HOAs: “HOA bible”, “our tithes” perhaps.
We think of unwell neighbors. And I feel that this line deadens the rest of the ending, as per the earlier interjection. Remove, perhaps.
We are the Church of the Cul de Sac, and we chant
“May the American dream be with you— Yeah, capital Dream.
and also with you.”
Our children ride bikes in circles Yeah, simplification would be nice, plus it makes for a sharper sound. “Our children biKe in cirCles”
while we, the parents, flock “floCK”
along the sidewalk like birds on a wire.
(I always heard that birds have church too,
congregated like strings of black pearls.) I sort of agree that these three lines diminish, but the presentation of the sister image of a parliament of rooks here is gold.
We are the Church of St. Coca—
cappuccino, latte, mocha. In yoga pants,
rain boots, and Seahawks sweatshirts—
a heathen's Sunday best – we are the Church of I didn’t mind the reuse of Church, but on second thought, yeah, it’s a bit of a turnaround. I would also prefer if of was pushed to the next line, as everything else seems clean enough.
“How do your kids like Mrs. So and So's class?”
Weather cycles, property lines,
water pressure, recycling schedules: our education
comes from Gary, a friendly tarantula Yeah, the turn here doesn’t work for me, either. It’s not the image, but the way it’s phrased – it sets up surreal expectations that doesn’t fit in with the rest of the piece. Perhaps break up the following line, then distribute: “comes from Gary, a tarantula of a man / with fuzzy-bear caterpillar eyebrows.”
of a man—slow and hairy—
with fuzzy-bear caterpillar eyebrows.
He explains passages of the HOA manual
and intercedes on our behalf
with our president, to whom we pay our dues. I like the double meaning, at least in my political mind, of “president” here. But with “intercedes”, I somehow think more ecclesiastical terms are needed here, as in the line on HOAs: “HOA bible”, “our tithes” perhaps.
We think of unwell neighbors. And I feel that this line deadens the rest of the ending, as per the earlier interjection. Remove, perhaps.
We are the Church of the Cul de Sac, and we chant
“May the American dream be with you— Yeah, capital Dream.
and also with you.”