01-18-2017, 03:01 AM
I like the idea, it is relatively fresh. There are some phrases that start well then become over-burdensome, such as the first phrase.
Our children ride bikes in circles
while we, the parents, flock. (period, everything that follows is superfluous and brings down the energy of the poem)
along the sidewalk like birds on a wire.
(I always heard that birds have church too,
congregated like strings of black pearls.)
In this phrase the term "church" is used twice for two different things.
We are the Church of St. Coca—
cappuccino, latte, mocha. In yoga pants,
rain boots, and Seahawks sweatshirts—
a heathen's Sunday best – we are the Church of
Maybe instead of Church of St. Coca, use congregation, or vice versa.
This line caused a problem for the reader
"comes from Gary, a friendly tarantula"
it is disruptive in that it sets an image that one must change when one realizes that "Gary" is in fact a "man". This sort of disruption whether recognized at the cognizant level or not, still slows the poem and drains energy from it. It is just this sort of minutiae that separates (once there is of course a decent idea) the unpublished from the published. Some might say "Oh, that is so cute where I Gary was "a friendly tarantula", but that is not the point of the poem.
As this is in mild I should stop now.
Best,
dale
Our children ride bikes in circles
while we, the parents, flock. (period, everything that follows is superfluous and brings down the energy of the poem)
along the sidewalk like birds on a wire.
(I always heard that birds have church too,
congregated like strings of black pearls.)
In this phrase the term "church" is used twice for two different things.
We are the Church of St. Coca—
cappuccino, latte, mocha. In yoga pants,
rain boots, and Seahawks sweatshirts—
a heathen's Sunday best – we are the Church of
Maybe instead of Church of St. Coca, use congregation, or vice versa.
This line caused a problem for the reader
"comes from Gary, a friendly tarantula"
it is disruptive in that it sets an image that one must change when one realizes that "Gary" is in fact a "man". This sort of disruption whether recognized at the cognizant level or not, still slows the poem and drains energy from it. It is just this sort of minutiae that separates (once there is of course a decent idea) the unpublished from the published. Some might say "Oh, that is so cute where I Gary was "a friendly tarantula", but that is not the point of the poem.
As this is in mild I should stop now.
Best,
dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.