01-17-2017, 11:52 AM
Hi Leanne - I'm still finding new layers in your poem - especially after seeing the video. Funny that, usually I don't like images with words, but yours worked well.
I'm a bit thrown by the narrator's identification with the scene - at first, dispassionate summary, then in stanza 3 the N is identifying with the scene described as 'we'. In stanza 5 they again step away from the scene, 'you', and back into it, 'we'. Then out again, at the end, with 'you'.
I think it needs to be constant. 'We', all the way through, lets the reader identify with the narrator as well as the scene. 'You' begins to feel like a lecture from an omnipotent observer.
I'm a bit thrown by the narrator's identification with the scene - at first, dispassionate summary, then in stanza 3 the N is identifying with the scene described as 'we'. In stanza 5 they again step away from the scene, 'you', and back into it, 'we'. Then out again, at the end, with 'you'.
I think it needs to be constant. 'We', all the way through, lets the reader identify with the narrator as well as the scene. 'You' begins to feel like a lecture from an omnipotent observer.