01-17-2017, 08:37 AM
(01-08-2017, 06:13 AM)Beardowulf Wrote: Midnight Dance
She calls me over
at the stroke of midnight–
beckons me
to play some tunes
that we can dance to–
waltz together
in the night air.
She levitates
in aspiration
folding her arms
around my neck–
knotted with lust.
With a slight kick
and her tight grip
we sway
back and forth
in a multitude of motions–
freeing my saturnine mind
going to black
as my eyes stare
blankly at the wall.
Your poem excels in simplicity and beauty. I can see and feel the dance between the two people. However, it could be reworked most definitely.
For example, you say that you 'waltz together in the night air' and you end with 'freeing my saturnine mind going to black as my eyes stare blankly at the wall'. Was there a change in location? That last sentence doesn't make much sense to me. If you could explain it...
I think you need something more.