Midnight Dance

[Erthona]

I will skip over any other critiques, so I am sure there will be repeats. The most obvious thing I notice is this is written in two voices. One might be called the "pastoral" or "common" voice, the other might be called the "elitist" voice. They are very obviously juxtaposed, not that it was necessarily the writer's intent to obviously do so. There are a few cliches, I shall not note individually as there are quite a few. I'm not a big proponent of enjambment, as people tend to use it, just to be using it, not because it in someway enhances the poem, or the use it incorrectly as is the case in the second usage (the first usage is merely a "hyphen" substituting for and "and"). The second should probably be written something like (not a suggestion)

that we can
           waltz together
in the night air.

You see "waltz" is a subsection of dance, so it makes no sense to say dance to and waltz together as though these were two separate things. "Waltzing" is included in dancing, there is no cause to frame it as though it was apart from it.
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The second stanza gives me several problems but I will speak to the grammatical one, that is to say the ambiguity the poor usage of grammar creates.

"folding her arms
around my neck–
knotted with lust."

Which is "knotted with lust" her arms or the speakers neck? Plus the image is kind of gross regardless of which it is applied.
  
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By the third stanza I'm not sure in some cases the writer has a complete grasp of the meaning of some of the words, or how he is putting them together. "saturnine" comes to mind as an example of the type. In fact most of S3 holds little in the way of meaning.
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I do commend you on staying away from the general love cliches. I use to have a list of 128 words not to use when writing love poetry and you use far less than most.

Best,

dale