01-16-2017, 04:26 AM
Hey CRNDLSM,
The title's dots were an impulse, stemming from an older title "I C U" —the spaces mirrored the previous iteration's double-spaced format. It was intended to be a play on the words "I see you."
Yeah, line 4's enjambment on "as" is meant to sonically dissolve the word "glass". It's an experiment I wanted to try. I attempted to pattern this a few lines following it (i.e. using prepositional and transitional words), though their purpose varies slightly.
"Cimmerian" alludes to the land near Hades that's covered in darkness (it's difficult to see color in the dark). I'm not satisfied with a Greek allusion, though —it seems out of place. I was thinking about using words like "sirens" and "wakes" to strengthen it more. I considered using "Stygian" but I felt that would be too obvious and archaic.
I agree. The last four lines are the weakest. "ICU" has been a work-in-progress over the past few months, and the ending has changed dramatically during its composition.
As always, thank you for your concise and thoughtful feedback. You've shown me the areas that need the most work as well as interesting interpretations.
The title's dots were an impulse, stemming from an older title "I C U" —the spaces mirrored the previous iteration's double-spaced format. It was intended to be a play on the words "I see you."
Yeah, line 4's enjambment on "as" is meant to sonically dissolve the word "glass". It's an experiment I wanted to try. I attempted to pattern this a few lines following it (i.e. using prepositional and transitional words), though their purpose varies slightly.
"Cimmerian" alludes to the land near Hades that's covered in darkness (it's difficult to see color in the dark). I'm not satisfied with a Greek allusion, though —it seems out of place. I was thinking about using words like "sirens" and "wakes" to strengthen it more. I considered using "Stygian" but I felt that would be too obvious and archaic.
I agree. The last four lines are the weakest. "ICU" has been a work-in-progress over the past few months, and the ending has changed dramatically during its composition.
As always, thank you for your concise and thoughtful feedback. You've shown me the areas that need the most work as well as interesting interpretations.
“Nature is a haunted house—but Art—is a house that tries to be haunted.” - Emily Dickinson