Midnight Dance

[Lizzie]

Hi Beardowulf! Just a couple of thoughts. I agree with others that this is waaaaaaaay better when it's read as a suicide piece. Perhaps change the title to give the reader a hint?

Midnight Dance

She calls me over
at the stroke of midnight–
            beckons me -- I like beckons me better than 'calls me over' -- I'd consider nixing calls me over, since having both is redundant.
to play some tunes
that we can dance to–
            waltz together
in the night air. -- the hanging is outside? Maybe mention trees somewhere since I can't readily think of anywhere else to hang yourself outside unless you jump from a bridge. But, then, why not just jump from a bridge?
 
She levitates
in aspiration -- shouldn't it be anticipation? Aspiration is when you inhale your own vomit, blood, mucus, etc.
folding her arms
around my neck–
knotted with lust. -- love it.
 
With a slight kick
and her tight grip
we sway
back and forth -- redundant since swaying is back and forth
in a multitude of motions–
freeing my saturnine mind
                        going to black
                                    as my eyes stare
blankly at the wall. -- I like the sudden switch from the romance to the blank, unfeeling stare. Good twist.

The conceit is well thought out. It's a good read when you know what you're reading.

Hope this helps some.