01-14-2017, 07:10 AM
Midnight Dance
She calls me over
at the stroke of midnight–
beckons me
to play some tunes
that we can dance to–
waltz together
in the night air.
She levitates
in aspiration
folding her arms
around my neck–
knotted with lust.
With a slight kick
and her tight grip
we sway
back and forth
in a multitude of motions–
freeing my saturnine mind
going to black
as my eyes stare
blankly at the wall.
The poem's shape is intended to represent the sway of a waltz (and the mind trailing off), yet its rhythm falls flat — some parts do work though! "With a slight kick / and her tight grip / we sway" is one example. The repeated anapests in the first two lines do a lot to increase the rhythmic tension, which is then released in the third line's iamb. It's very satisfying, while the rhymed "slight"/"tight" and assonance of "kick"/"grip" further strengthen the music of the passage.
Unfortunately, "back and forth" weakens this moment with its redundancy. I noticed this happening in other areas as well. For example, "in the night air" is unnecessary since "stroke of midnight" already informs the reader of the time. The lines "we can dance to-/waltz together" are no different.
I would recommend combing through and cutting any lines, phrases, etc that are irrelevant or uninteresting. Examples include cutting cliches, redundancies, unimportant imagery, etc. Every aspect of the poem should contribute to its overall meaning.
With that being said, I would suggest beginning the poem with the three lines I mentioned above. They're thematically appropriate and aurally pleasing, which could hook the reader at the start. If you want to explore alternative rhythms, I recommend reading the short poem "I Know a Man" by Robert Creeley. Its syncopated rhythm is appropriate for your poem's waltzing imagery and could help inspire your next revision.
She calls me over
at the stroke of midnight–
beckons me
to play some tunes
that we can dance to–
waltz together
in the night air.
She levitates
in aspiration
folding her arms
around my neck–
knotted with lust.
With a slight kick
and her tight grip
we sway
back and forth
in a multitude of motions–
freeing my saturnine mind
going to black
as my eyes stare
blankly at the wall.
The poem's shape is intended to represent the sway of a waltz (and the mind trailing off), yet its rhythm falls flat — some parts do work though! "With a slight kick / and her tight grip / we sway" is one example. The repeated anapests in the first two lines do a lot to increase the rhythmic tension, which is then released in the third line's iamb. It's very satisfying, while the rhymed "slight"/"tight" and assonance of "kick"/"grip" further strengthen the music of the passage.
Unfortunately, "back and forth" weakens this moment with its redundancy. I noticed this happening in other areas as well. For example, "in the night air" is unnecessary since "stroke of midnight" already informs the reader of the time. The lines "we can dance to-/waltz together" are no different.
I would recommend combing through and cutting any lines, phrases, etc that are irrelevant or uninteresting. Examples include cutting cliches, redundancies, unimportant imagery, etc. Every aspect of the poem should contribute to its overall meaning.
With that being said, I would suggest beginning the poem with the three lines I mentioned above. They're thematically appropriate and aurally pleasing, which could hook the reader at the start. If you want to explore alternative rhythms, I recommend reading the short poem "I Know a Man" by Robert Creeley. Its syncopated rhythm is appropriate for your poem's waltzing imagery and could help inspire your next revision.
“Nature is a haunted house—but Art—is a house that tries to be haunted.” - Emily Dickinson