01-13-2017, 02:36 AM
CRNDLSM,
We're in agreement on "I am just / an answer." I wanted the linebreak to indicate the self-justification of the perpetrator and have "an answer" continue the metaphor of chemical reactions. Yet, it comes off as confusing.
I included "your son" to strengthen the emotional situation being depicted. It's meant to be more personal and disturbing. However, I feel "your" is unnecessary and out of place.
I'm still unsure about using hyphens myself. I like that they give more certainty to the reader, but I also like the uncertainty of their absence. I don't know.
"Divi/nation" was meant to play with words like "divide" and "divine" but it comes off as forced and unclear. I ended up cutting it.
Leanne,
Rest assured that your rambling is invaluable to my revision. In many ways, the poem is meant to operate like a Rorschach test —so your visceral reactions are appreciated! Interactivity and the notion of "reading as writing" are central to the poem's composition.
I wanted "divi/nation of smoke" to create a sense of reinterpreting one's surroundings when they are obscured, but it seems weak to me. I wanted the bisected words to convey independent meanings from each half of the whole and have those meanings engage/conflict with one another. Since "divi" is not a word, it doesn't necessarily work.
I posted a new revision above. I changed "smoke" to "carbon" in order to create chemical unity of the subjects as well as sonic unity with
"carnation". I also omitted "I am just / an answer" although I'm still uncertain whether this was a good idea. I initially had:
carnations of smoke
and drones I am just
an answer
I really like "drones" because it conveys multiple things, such as uniformity of sound, moaning, and also military drones. However, "an answer" still comes off as weak.
"Draw" also replaced "inhale" to further create ambiguity. It implies breathing, taking someone out of something, and also drawing as in art. I like the relationship of these meanings, but I can't help but think it's too vague.
Anyway, I appreciate the feedback. I hope to see more!
We're in agreement on "I am just / an answer." I wanted the linebreak to indicate the self-justification of the perpetrator and have "an answer" continue the metaphor of chemical reactions. Yet, it comes off as confusing.
I included "your son" to strengthen the emotional situation being depicted. It's meant to be more personal and disturbing. However, I feel "your" is unnecessary and out of place.
I'm still unsure about using hyphens myself. I like that they give more certainty to the reader, but I also like the uncertainty of their absence. I don't know.
"Divi/nation" was meant to play with words like "divide" and "divine" but it comes off as forced and unclear. I ended up cutting it.
Leanne,
Rest assured that your rambling is invaluable to my revision. In many ways, the poem is meant to operate like a Rorschach test —so your visceral reactions are appreciated! Interactivity and the notion of "reading as writing" are central to the poem's composition.
I wanted "divi/nation of smoke" to create a sense of reinterpreting one's surroundings when they are obscured, but it seems weak to me. I wanted the bisected words to convey independent meanings from each half of the whole and have those meanings engage/conflict with one another. Since "divi" is not a word, it doesn't necessarily work.
I posted a new revision above. I changed "smoke" to "carbon" in order to create chemical unity of the subjects as well as sonic unity with
"carnation". I also omitted "I am just / an answer" although I'm still uncertain whether this was a good idea. I initially had:
carnations of smoke
and drones I am just
an answer
I really like "drones" because it conveys multiple things, such as uniformity of sound, moaning, and also military drones. However, "an answer" still comes off as weak.
"Draw" also replaced "inhale" to further create ambiguity. It implies breathing, taking someone out of something, and also drawing as in art. I like the relationship of these meanings, but I can't help but think it's too vague.
Anyway, I appreciate the feedback. I hope to see more!
“Nature is a haunted house—but Art—is a house that tries to be haunted.” - Emily Dickinson