Midnight Dance

[Beardowulf]

Midnight Dance

She calls me over
at the stroke of midnight– ...."stroke of midnight" is a cliche. I don't think you lose anything by changing it to "midnight"

            beckons me .... the second "me" in three lines.
to play some tunes....perhaps better to drop the "some"
that we can dance to–
            waltz together....repetitive given the above line 
in the night air.
 
She levitates
in aspiration .... confusing. Do you mean "aspirsation" as in breathing? I can't understand why or why not. Unless she's aspiring to be taken in mid air which is a bit too much information 

folding her arms
around my neck–
knotted with lust. 
 
With a slight kick
and her tight grip
we sway
back and forth
in a multitude of motions– ....from "folding" to "forth" is a nice descriptive passage of a sexy dance but the alliteration here sounds forced 

freeing my saturnine mind ....too much tell. It's ok as a diary entry but unless you tell me why your mind is saturnine it comes across as Justin Beiber angst

                        going to black ....a missing "from"?
                                    as my eyes stare
blankly at the wall.....the ending just hangs in there, as if you didn't know where to go after the lady had knotted you in her lust. Not satisfactory.

Thanks for posting

Thanks for the feedback! My intention was to convey a type of dance between two lovers, while layering a conceit about committing suicide by hanging.