01-08-2017, 11:58 AM
not much by way of constructive crit. i like the way you set the drama of the poem up in the first two stanza. in the 2nd stanza the use of "he knew that he had to have her" is ominous and as such brings into the poem a darkness that left me expecting some foul deed. [as a hook for the reader to keep returning to]
the first stanza is much softer yet as telling by jess' dreaming.
till the penultimate stanza i'm led to believe they've become an item albeit with regrets.
and then the roundhouse kick of jealousy. the nobility a facetious statement. all he's doing is protecting his property. [the third stanza told me they were a couple and the last they were married]
finally gran opens the door to her battered daughter.
there is a perfect amount of ambiguity to the poem and i confess to see gran in the last stanza as being jess on the first couple of passes. and then it hit me as all good poems should. i missed the twist. the good thing about missing twist first time or two is that the reader upon discovery of enlightenment feels like they've won something, i suppose in a way they have, they've won understanding [possibly
]
sorry for not doing a line by, it was easier for me to flit from place to place.
the first stanza is much softer yet as telling by jess' dreaming.
till the penultimate stanza i'm led to believe they've become an item albeit with regrets.
and then the roundhouse kick of jealousy. the nobility a facetious statement. all he's doing is protecting his property. [the third stanza told me they were a couple and the last they were married]
finally gran opens the door to her battered daughter.
there is a perfect amount of ambiguity to the poem and i confess to see gran in the last stanza as being jess on the first couple of passes. and then it hit me as all good poems should. i missed the twist. the good thing about missing twist first time or two is that the reader upon discovery of enlightenment feels like they've won something, i suppose in a way they have, they've won understanding [possibly
]sorry for not doing a line by, it was easier for me to flit from place to place.
(01-01-2017, 08:00 AM)Leanne Wrote: Jess was working later than all the others
down the dockside bar on the Upper Tweed,
serving drunks and wiping up beer and vomit,
dreaming of Christmas.
Mike saw Jess and knew that he had to have her;
struck by love, he told her one balmy eve.
Nothing could convince him they shouldn’t marry --
destiny waited.
Mike and Jess forever, the perfect couple:
brains and beauty admired by all the rest.
Everyone who thought that he couldn’t keep her
said that she’d leave him.
Jess caught joy in sponges and wrung it into
buckets filled with remnants of laugh-filled hours,
grey now, mixed with sordid regret and silence:
memory’s cocktail.
Mike was waiting patiently just like always,
soon to walk her home through the darkened streets --
pretty girls like Jess need a strong protector,
safe from temptation.
Jess hummed bits of songs that she half remembered,
scores from operas played by the drinking crowd;
fractured carols echoed beneath the orders --
four pints of cheer, love.
Grandma had the girls when she worked the late shift --
double time meant Santa would come this year.
Aching feet were nothing when gifts were opened --
smiles make you pretty.
Every night she fended off stale suggestions --
men and alcohol make a potent team.
She would star in hundreds of drunken stupors:
hangover goddess.
Light to dark adjustment is never easy --
stars, though dazzling, shine from too far away.
Jess stepped out and Mike put his arm around her:
noble protector.
When the knock came, somehow she knew the reason.
Two small girls in nightdresses slumbered on;
all their mother wore was her bloody wedding
ring and her silence.