Architectures

[Rogo]

I've learnt that I overwrite and lose my reader at times from just a few well criticised posts on this site... despite, honestly, writing with a lot more fullness than this.

If your aim is an easy read, you succeed. I read it smoothly with obvious rhythm in one go- so your structure clearly works... just honestly, as with previous comments I took absolutely nothing from it. If anything, the smoothness of the read made it even more unlikely that I could take meaning from something that even when I went back slowly I still struggled with!

Not sure what you wanted from this- in serious workshopping- but it is difficult for me to seriously workshop a poem that read well but projected nothing. Maybe others will find something... but looking at previous comments I think not- if it means something to you I'm sure you will be reluctant to workshop but the action of posting makes me inclined to think you want others to get something from it, which for me is impossible as it is above.

Hope that doesn't come across too harsh...

RBJ

No, it doesn't come across harsh at all! The authenticity and visceral quality of your response is insightful. 

This poem was largely an experiment to transform imagery (mostly) through prosodic means, which is why I'm thrilled to hear it reads smoothly for others. However, it's conceptually and metaphorically rough —it needs work. 

I've already reworked a lot of the poem since my original post and plan to do so soon. 

Thanks for your feedback!