12-30-2016, 11:08 AM
(12-30-2016, 12:02 AM)tectak Wrote: If you could share the feeling of a poem,
the colour blue would mean much more than sky. I don't think the multiple meanings of blue are here an impediment. That said, I don't think the poem deals with such melancholy entirely -- though I did read this at first as melancholy, eventually I just considered this as "beyond the book's cover".
The heart that throbs beside you in the night
would gently send you sleeping,
hypnotised by rhythmic beating, I think there is an issue of too narrow a loop for this line -- I think the poem would be somewhat bettered if this rhyme (or even this line, though that might make slightly less sense) was moved below amanuensis.
'til the light fades from your senses
and your dream's amanuensis
is a poet without sight; And I don't think this final sentence need be one whole sentence. Part of me wishes this were a period instead of a semicolon -- though another part, the part that wants things clean, likes it the way it is. Your choice; I think originally this was a period? Also, I'm a bit hung up on "is", since it just doesn't have the same transformative effect as a more, er, active verb, like "fades", or "turns", or "becomes".
but you never need ask why, ....I can't help but feel a little confused that this is "you" rather than "you'll".
if you could share the feeling of a poem.
Inspired by selfie from the excellent Ian Donald Crockett, of the same title. Link! Link! I'm too lazy to search -- link!
tectak 2016
It was felt. Lovely work.

