12-30-2016, 03:39 AM
If you could share the feeling of a poem,
the colour blue would mean much more than sky. Definitely not overkill; however, given that blue is a favorite color with abundant immediate associations (while blue lost the recent US election, it did win the popular vote), this could fall a bit short for conveying that of a poem which cannot be shared.
A heartbeat close beside you in the night
would gently send you sleeping,
hypnotised by rhythm, beating, This is grammatically awkward--you shift from implied subject to grammatical subject. Also, a heartbeat...beating....
'til the light fades from your senses
and your dreams become the musing
of a poet without sight. Dreams can be quite vivid. I wonder if any poet is wholly awake when writing verse; even if they are, they still have to close their eyes at some point.
But you never need ask why, What I have to ask is, why the 'but'? None of the above conveys, for me, the kind of imponderable wonder that the 'but' might seem to suggest is there.
if you could share the feeling of a poem.
The main problem for me is that heartbeats do send me sleeping and I do sometimes find clarity and insight in my dreams (or some stage of sleep). This might almost work if it were something like, "If one tried to share the feeling of a poem, the color blue might mean little more than sky." There is something to be said for the poem's overall sense of softness and understatedness. That said, I might be missing something and I'm eager to learn what it might be.
Enjoyed reading it...thanks for posting!
the colour blue would mean much more than sky. Definitely not overkill; however, given that blue is a favorite color with abundant immediate associations (while blue lost the recent US election, it did win the popular vote), this could fall a bit short for conveying that of a poem which cannot be shared.
A heartbeat close beside you in the night
would gently send you sleeping,
hypnotised by rhythm, beating, This is grammatically awkward--you shift from implied subject to grammatical subject. Also, a heartbeat...beating....
'til the light fades from your senses
and your dreams become the musing
of a poet without sight. Dreams can be quite vivid. I wonder if any poet is wholly awake when writing verse; even if they are, they still have to close their eyes at some point.
But you never need ask why, What I have to ask is, why the 'but'? None of the above conveys, for me, the kind of imponderable wonder that the 'but' might seem to suggest is there.
if you could share the feeling of a poem.
The main problem for me is that heartbeats do send me sleeping and I do sometimes find clarity and insight in my dreams (or some stage of sleep). This might almost work if it were something like, "If one tried to share the feeling of a poem, the color blue might mean little more than sky." There is something to be said for the poem's overall sense of softness and understatedness. That said, I might be missing something and I'm eager to learn what it might be.
Enjoyed reading it...thanks for posting!