12-23-2016, 11:32 PM
I think you need to prune this baby.
quote='tectak' pid='222114' dateline='1482452620']
As I thought, it seems we are not really here at all; MS word always underlines really as redundant or wrong. Also what's "it" referring to? Also, I thought and it seems are sort of synonymous.
phantoms, ephemeral and empty of all we think we are. If you have and connecting two adjectives (ephemeral and empty), there's a good chance you were still deciding on the right adjective and now have an extra one in there.
The loves we have, the music in our lives,
cheese, wine and thrill of falling, pounding headaches,
sensuality...even orgasmic breath is not reality. For some reason, the cheese served with wine is usually kind of gross. Too goaty or something. Orgasmic breath equal work and pissed off neighbors.
Reality?
Perhaps there is no word, no reason to explode "there is" = sloppy language.
in to the fleshy fold...betrayal, then, --Pardon my american, but is this line about busting a nut? If so, fleshy fold sounds gross.
of what we think we hold. A hand, a tender cupping
of a breast, a gentle hand to steer us - Tender cupping sounds gross, like a lusty probing.
when we cross a road; the solid thump of glass
upon the ale-house bar or cold, cold ice
that points and drops from guttered rooves.
All this is stark illusion like hard wind; the same that blows -- the same refers to all, but I had to retread and stop to figure it out.
in trees yet carries from the string a melody, music most profound. Wouldn't profound melody be more concise?
Surely this, this vibratory score, this tear induced to fall, Tear induced to fall?
this heightened sense of what it is to feel....is real?
But no...we are a quantum field. Matter mattering so little-- I like what you're saying here. Not sure about matter mattering.
as to not disturb the passage of the vectored time. Now you've lost me because you're smarter and talking about vectors.
We war and love and kill and thrill and die and hurt, Too many ands!
we make-believe and fantasise, we dream our dreams. Of course we dream dreams. Why do you need the verb and noun of the same thing?
inside another self; not sharing what we need not share -- Need not share= super sloppy.
nor caring when we need not care, not loving
when we have no need to love...and yet, and yet,
we think ourselves in to a world, a time and space continuum,
a framework where such wild beliefs support the thought
that we are here. Where, though, is here?
And am I in or out of you, as you are but a part of me...
a timeless, tangled, twisting string
that holds the phantoms in a ring,
captured in the... Ending with ellipses? You jokin' right?
tectak2016
[/quote]
Hey I think I admire what your trying to say, but I think the language has to be clean and precise for this poem to work. Enjoyed reading. Just kidding around with some comments and actually think you're trying to express something cool.
quote='tectak' pid='222114' dateline='1482452620']
As I thought, it seems we are not really here at all; MS word always underlines really as redundant or wrong. Also what's "it" referring to? Also, I thought and it seems are sort of synonymous.
phantoms, ephemeral and empty of all we think we are. If you have and connecting two adjectives (ephemeral and empty), there's a good chance you were still deciding on the right adjective and now have an extra one in there.
The loves we have, the music in our lives,
cheese, wine and thrill of falling, pounding headaches,
sensuality...even orgasmic breath is not reality. For some reason, the cheese served with wine is usually kind of gross. Too goaty or something. Orgasmic breath equal work and pissed off neighbors.
Reality?
Perhaps there is no word, no reason to explode "there is" = sloppy language.
in to the fleshy fold...betrayal, then, --Pardon my american, but is this line about busting a nut? If so, fleshy fold sounds gross.
of what we think we hold. A hand, a tender cupping
of a breast, a gentle hand to steer us - Tender cupping sounds gross, like a lusty probing.
when we cross a road; the solid thump of glass
upon the ale-house bar or cold, cold ice
that points and drops from guttered rooves.
All this is stark illusion like hard wind; the same that blows -- the same refers to all, but I had to retread and stop to figure it out.
in trees yet carries from the string a melody, music most profound. Wouldn't profound melody be more concise?
Surely this, this vibratory score, this tear induced to fall, Tear induced to fall?
this heightened sense of what it is to feel....is real?
But no...we are a quantum field. Matter mattering so little-- I like what you're saying here. Not sure about matter mattering.
as to not disturb the passage of the vectored time. Now you've lost me because you're smarter and talking about vectors.
We war and love and kill and thrill and die and hurt, Too many ands!
we make-believe and fantasise, we dream our dreams. Of course we dream dreams. Why do you need the verb and noun of the same thing?
inside another self; not sharing what we need not share -- Need not share= super sloppy.
nor caring when we need not care, not loving
when we have no need to love...and yet, and yet,
we think ourselves in to a world, a time and space continuum,
a framework where such wild beliefs support the thought
that we are here. Where, though, is here?
And am I in or out of you, as you are but a part of me...
a timeless, tangled, twisting string
that holds the phantoms in a ring,
captured in the... Ending with ellipses? You jokin' right?
tectak2016
[/quote]
Hey I think I admire what your trying to say, but I think the language has to be clean and precise for this poem to work. Enjoyed reading. Just kidding around with some comments and actually think you're trying to express something cool.