12-17-2016, 01:07 PM
I'm going to have a crack at this. Hope you don't mind my novice critique.
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1st stanza-
I like this stanza, I think all the word choices suit the content. I'm not sure about the "but" at the beginning of the fifth line, it feels like a little too much?
2nd stanza-
This is my favorite stanza, I can really see it. I like the use of a verb here "grabbing the sunlight" I feel like a different verb might work better though, it feels rough to me? I kind of want to hear something softer there.
3rd stanza
I feel like I'm stretching to find something, but "notables" kind of seems out of place, compared to the rest of the word choices. I'm pretty sure that may just be me.
4th stanza
I don't get this change to sparrows. I'm not sure if it's a metaphor, I'm not making the connection. I love the second half of this stanza, I sense mild regret at aging, a longing for youth and a bit inner youthfulness (child at heart) from the speaker, though obviously mature.
5th stanza
I like this all. The last line might be a tad long.
6th stanza
I don't get this. The first two lines paint a vivid image, but "she's a moth"? I'm trying to understand. I think of being drawn to the light, eating clothes, lesser than a beautiful butterfly? I really like the good dragon, bad princess line. It makes sense, but I'm trying to understand its context here.
-1st stanza-
I like this stanza, I think all the word choices suit the content. I'm not sure about the "but" at the beginning of the fifth line, it feels like a little too much?
2nd stanza-
This is my favorite stanza, I can really see it.
I like the use of a verb here "grabbing the sunlight" I feel like a different verb might work better though, it feels rough to me? I kind of want to hear something softer there.3rd stanza
I feel like I'm stretching to find something, but "notables" kind of seems out of place, compared to the rest of the word choices. I'm pretty sure that may just be me.
4th stanza
I don't get this change to sparrows. I'm not sure if it's a metaphor, I'm not making the connection. I love the second half of this stanza, I sense mild regret at aging, a longing for youth and a bit inner youthfulness (child at heart) from the speaker, though obviously mature.
5th stanza
I like this all. The last line might be a tad long.
6th stanza
I don't get this. The first two lines paint a vivid image, but "she's a moth"? I'm trying to understand. I think of being drawn to the light, eating clothes, lesser than a beautiful butterfly? I really like the good dragon, bad princess line. It makes sense, but I'm trying to understand its context here.
I relish writing bad poems, if it means someday I'll write a good one.