12-16-2016, 08:16 PM
Thanks for the feedback! I may have to revise the section on tomb -- it was supposed to be an extended Jesus reference, though with the usual feminine-flesh and masculine-Thought inverted, and the icons of the nails, the whips, the wooden cross, the skull-shaped hill, and the bare tomb subverted. As for the creation stanza, I'm not entirely sure about revising, particularly because it's the culmination of one of my drives for composing this piece, which is, as you noted, intertextuality. Not intertextuality with either the Bible or Greek myth, mind you, but with the stuff I've previously composed, with that whole bit being an indirect quote of the Bible, and a more direct quote of the linked. The greater drive of compiling a book is starting to really get to me....
http://www.pigpenpoetry.com/thread-17669.html
As for your two other points, I do agree that "Fury's eyes" does nothing, and the shift to third person was semi-intentional: I was channeling the video game Braid, and I suppose at that point emotion bubbled over. Again, thanks for the feedback! The balance between intertextuality and musicality is one I've really been struggling with, especially with my latest stabs. I'm glad for your clarification on that, and welcome to the site!
http://www.pigpenpoetry.com/thread-17669.html
As for your two other points, I do agree that "Fury's eyes" does nothing, and the shift to third person was semi-intentional: I was channeling the video game Braid, and I suppose at that point emotion bubbled over. Again, thanks for the feedback! The balance between intertextuality and musicality is one I've really been struggling with, especially with my latest stabs. I'm glad for your clarification on that, and welcome to the site!