12-16-2016, 04:09 AM
nay! i believe the duck billed dinosaurs lived inthe cretaceous, while stegosaurs in the jurassic -- that's millions of years of difference! the whole thing is filled with anachronisms!
jest aside, stegosaurus levels her spines reads way too unwiedy to work -- too many s's. bound to be a better substitute for this.
the each's of the first stanza also jump from each other in a way that's kinda unpleasant.
--fine, another jest: in no way are hadrosaur tails fishy, unless you'd consider the tail of a reptile the same as that of a fish. okay, back to aesthetic points, as i can see how that works lesss literally--
request for clarification: what exactly are you trying to convey with nine-foot spiders? i do 't remember anythig like that belonging to the mesozoic....
em dash between yes and the statement feels like an unusual and ultimately unnecessary convention rather than a ripe trick of language -- better to just comma. third stanza also suffers from being divided into sentences that don't need to be sentences on their own; itreally only worked in the first stanza, and then only barely; otherwise it's just awkward, the developed mental rhythm. of the stanza, the first two lines should be separated only by, say, an em dash, and the last two sentences sound better conjoined, say with an and.
and the final stanza kinda sucks -- it ain't as vivid as all that came before, and really its imagery of death is quite redundant. particularly with a calamity as popular as this, and with imagery and thoughts as vibrant as the earlier three stanzas, i think it would be best to just trust the reader, remove those final four lines.
but yes, the first three stanzas are quite vibrant, and having had paleontology as a childhood obsession, i'm glad to have read this. lovely, lovely work!
jest aside, stegosaurus levels her spines reads way too unwiedy to work -- too many s's. bound to be a better substitute for this.
the each's of the first stanza also jump from each other in a way that's kinda unpleasant.
--fine, another jest: in no way are hadrosaur tails fishy, unless you'd consider the tail of a reptile the same as that of a fish. okay, back to aesthetic points, as i can see how that works lesss literally--
request for clarification: what exactly are you trying to convey with nine-foot spiders? i do 't remember anythig like that belonging to the mesozoic....
em dash between yes and the statement feels like an unusual and ultimately unnecessary convention rather than a ripe trick of language -- better to just comma. third stanza also suffers from being divided into sentences that don't need to be sentences on their own; itreally only worked in the first stanza, and then only barely; otherwise it's just awkward, the developed mental rhythm. of the stanza, the first two lines should be separated only by, say, an em dash, and the last two sentences sound better conjoined, say with an and.
and the final stanza kinda sucks -- it ain't as vivid as all that came before, and really its imagery of death is quite redundant. particularly with a calamity as popular as this, and with imagery and thoughts as vibrant as the earlier three stanzas, i think it would be best to just trust the reader, remove those final four lines.
but yes, the first three stanzas are quite vibrant, and having had paleontology as a childhood obsession, i'm glad to have read this. lovely, lovely work!