04-26-2010, 10:05 AM
I like what I see of this poem LB. Very pretty, and again you are using images that are distinct from your previous poems. Just needs editing, imo.
(04-26-2010, 08:52 AM)Loveblind Wrote: One day I’ll inhale the air
Until it fills up my lungs Maybe you can push this idea further. Breathing, logically, does fill up your lungs, so that's not an aspirational thought at all. Push the image to make it special ("My lungs open like wings"... something like that but of course your own)
My body in a race with the wind
Hair lost in the wind try not to repeat "wind", especially so closely
Surround myself around "with" instead of around? the
Flowers that is [b]"are"[/b] moving swiftly Can't picture this. Do you mean the flower petals are being blown in the wind? I'd really like a clearer image of this
All my troubles gone
One day i`ll breathe
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?