Dirty words that rolled off your tongue
Deterring my noggin (i love this line)
Destruction sliding into my soul
Destroying my insides (this line feels redundant)
A scar permanently left
The devious comments rape my mind
Frequently
The sight of you
Turns my stomach (these two line are really cliche)
Awkward moment’s leads to (moments) (lead)
Vulgar comments being exchanged
Establishing a relationship after 17
Dreadful years far from mind
Hence, the fact an abortion
Was the right thing while I (this verse took a bit of working out)
Was in the womb (but i got there
)
I can’t erase all the damages (damage)
You’ve caused
Emotionally and physically (again for me, this line's a bit redundant)
Who would of known
Your Childhood troubles (the childhood troubles)
You endured
Would affect mine
Still Angry at the fact
Your father walked out
On your mom and 6 kids
I was just an innocent child
Searching for a father
To hold me and save me
In this cold world
the poem itself feels a couple of verses too long.
that said it has bite.
for me it could do with a some good original images.
at the moment it feels a little tell LB.
as usual thanks for the read.
Deterring my noggin (i love this line)
Destruction sliding into my soul
Destroying my insides (this line feels redundant)
A scar permanently left
The devious comments rape my mind
Frequently
The sight of you
Turns my stomach (these two line are really cliche)
Awkward moment’s leads to (moments) (lead)
Vulgar comments being exchanged
Establishing a relationship after 17
Dreadful years far from mind
Hence, the fact an abortion
Was the right thing while I (this verse took a bit of working out)
Was in the womb (but i got there
)I can’t erase all the damages (damage)
You’ve caused
Emotionally and physically (again for me, this line's a bit redundant)
Who would of known
Your Childhood troubles (the childhood troubles)
You endured
Would affect mine
Still Angry at the fact
Your father walked out
On your mom and 6 kids
I was just an innocent child
Searching for a father
To hold me and save me
In this cold world
the poem itself feels a couple of verses too long.
that said it has bite.
for me it could do with a some good original images.
at the moment it feels a little tell LB.
as usual thanks for the read.