12-10-2016, 01:18 PM
Hi Coquette16,
I'm new to giving feedback, and will try my best. I think the imagery you used in your poem really expresses the narrator's thoughts and emotions effectively. It seems that the narrator feels alone in a crowd and is in need of some sympathy or a helping hand, but passers-by don't care to ask if they are alright. As your poem progresses, I'm convinced that the crowd is made up of hollow and soulless beings, whereas, only the narrator has held on to their human qualities, especially sympathy. The contrast you create in your last stanza makes it clear how alone a person can feel in a crowd. I don't want to be misinterpreted, but a person can't always wait for someone to come and offer help, you have to ask for help if you need it, and have to be prepared to hear either a "Yes" or a "No". Sorry, I really hope it doesn't sound like I'm preaching.
I'm new to giving feedback, and will try my best. I think the imagery you used in your poem really expresses the narrator's thoughts and emotions effectively. It seems that the narrator feels alone in a crowd and is in need of some sympathy or a helping hand, but passers-by don't care to ask if they are alright. As your poem progresses, I'm convinced that the crowd is made up of hollow and soulless beings, whereas, only the narrator has held on to their human qualities, especially sympathy. The contrast you create in your last stanza makes it clear how alone a person can feel in a crowd. I don't want to be misinterpreted, but a person can't always wait for someone to come and offer help, you have to ask for help if you need it, and have to be prepared to hear either a "Yes" or a "No". Sorry, I really hope it doesn't sound like I'm preaching.
(12-04-2016, 11:58 AM)Coquette16 Wrote: I wrote this 16 years ago...I would like to mold it into something betterThanks for the feedback!
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Their Fabric is Thread-Bare
How sad it is,
day after day
they slip through my fingers, <- When I first read this line, I didn't realize you were talking about people slipping through, but imagined something concrete that you could hold. In my second read, it was a nice surprise to learn that you were talking about people.
most of them.
I don't reach their ears.
They don't see me.
How sad it is,
that they were not shown
the fabric of life; <- I like the way you compare fabric to life. Since fabric can be tightly woven and strong, I see it as representing our sympathy and compassion for others, but once the fabric is threadbare, only our vices and hostile nature are left behind.
the sweet sweat of life,
the sunny breeze of life,
the smile from the soul
because of life.
How frightening it is;
they lack human compassion.
They flaunt, they jeer;
they care less who's near.
All for them
and them for themselves.
Their fabric is thread-bare.