I Wonder

[Todd]

Hi Missy, welcome to the site!

You have a certain surreal quality here that I like in places. Let me give you a few comments. This isn't the sort of poem that holds you with its narrative. It holds you because it has an atmospheric flitting quality to it. There are some lines that I'm not a huge fan of--the opening for instance. I also am not enamored with waterfalls that sit alone, the that before sleeps, and the repetition of the black that slips from our mouths and all that.

I'll try to give a few line comments on what I do like though with some minor explanation. I want to be careful not to push you to much in any one direction as style is made up of a number of subjective, personal choices.

This is my first time accepting critique on my poems so I'm going to put this in the novice section...lol...I hope it's okay...
thank you



I Wonder

we
siege the forest.--feels awkward. Siege the forest even feels a bit off for how unconnected it seems.

as dawn approaches
waterfalls--This may work better reimagined as a simile (i.e., like a waterfall)
and I
sit alone
inside
the empty
stall–

my fingers
trail
like lead
and quake
like thunder
and us,
I wonder.--I like this entire sequence

inhaling the black
that slips from our mouths
and we suck it back.--This is a really neat surreal sequence. It's as if they are inhaling night. I like this. I think the surprise of the line is ruined a bit by repeating it later.

the nightingale
that sleeps--cut that perhaps, and maybe pull sleeps up a line.
as we
split the
upper seams
of our shirts
as breathing hurts
and us,--I would be tempted to see you cut the and, pull still up to end the line and end the poem on still. 
still I wonder–

why I'm yearning the black
that slips from our mouths
and we suck it back.

Just some thoughts. I hope some of that is helpful.

Best,

Todd