12-08-2016, 11:54 AM
Firstly, I have MASSIVE admiration for taking on such a rarely used form! I love this kinda shit. I can't actually remember the last time I read a villanelle. It's tricky to make one insightful and not annoying. Yet this seems to do it easily- and you use the repetition effectively, it smashes home the connection between poet, intended and nature as a three superbly (for me). The connection between the three for me was unavoidable, not irritating, didn't seem repetitive (even though it is), just firmly constant (as it is in reality, I hope!?).
Is this written as a performance piece more than to be read on a page?
It reads to me as something that read aloud is stronger than on paper. So if intended, you definitely have accessed a vocal quality. I say this, as I read it in my head first, and found some bits awkward- but then read it aloud, and really enjoyed it- there are one or two places it didn't go smoothly for me which I'll highlight below so you can see if you agree, and consider.
Also not sure of your views on deviating from chosen meter within given forms... I always think if it sounds better, there is no harm in it.
To manipulate meter takes just as much skill, if not more, than keeping strictly within it?
Forces of nature are fundamental,
our heads in the sky, and feet on the ground. ("and" seems a quick/weak choice? Would you consider repeating "our"? It's a repetitive format, and I think repeating "our" further strengthens the effect/bond portrayed early on. Love the line apart from.)
Connections between us elemental,
the softest of which warm and gentle, (this was an awkward one for me, out loud the line seems short, and I think wording can be improved. Also full stop in line 2, follow with capital at start of line? Sugg: "The softest protect us, warm and gentle" - quick sugg obviously, but wanted to suggest a direct effect on "us" whilst keeping the warm and gentle.
a blanket when snow makes the only sound. (lovely line)
Forces of nature are fundamental.
Thanks to physics, time and space are rental, (I didn't really get this line- it felt like your only strained rhyme. Though I'm not against things that are personally clear to the poet and leave readers to be a little confuddled). Like getting physics in with nature though. "Servants to physics, our time incidental" or such like came into my head.
all things possible, dimensions abound. (love this after physics)
Connections between us elemental,
the roughest are work, real severe dental
without novacaine, filled, drilled, cleaned, and crowned. (Really like this imagery, though it is pretty ugly- assume this was intended!)
Forces of nature are fundamental,
living and non-, inter-continental, (found this one a bit awkward)
organized chaos, erratic and round. (loved this line)
Connections between us elemental,
deep-rooted soul, to pure ornamental, (and loved this line)
while seeking to find what's already found. (and this one
)
Forces of nature are fundamental,
connections between us elemental.
Really strong ending. Hope some comments are of use.
RBJ
Is this written as a performance piece more than to be read on a page?
It reads to me as something that read aloud is stronger than on paper. So if intended, you definitely have accessed a vocal quality. I say this, as I read it in my head first, and found some bits awkward- but then read it aloud, and really enjoyed it- there are one or two places it didn't go smoothly for me which I'll highlight below so you can see if you agree, and consider.
Also not sure of your views on deviating from chosen meter within given forms... I always think if it sounds better, there is no harm in it.
To manipulate meter takes just as much skill, if not more, than keeping strictly within it?
Forces of nature are fundamental,
our heads in the sky, and feet on the ground. ("and" seems a quick/weak choice? Would you consider repeating "our"? It's a repetitive format, and I think repeating "our" further strengthens the effect/bond portrayed early on. Love the line apart from.)
Connections between us elemental,
the softest of which warm and gentle, (this was an awkward one for me, out loud the line seems short, and I think wording can be improved. Also full stop in line 2, follow with capital at start of line? Sugg: "The softest protect us, warm and gentle" - quick sugg obviously, but wanted to suggest a direct effect on "us" whilst keeping the warm and gentle.
a blanket when snow makes the only sound. (lovely line)
Forces of nature are fundamental.
Thanks to physics, time and space are rental, (I didn't really get this line- it felt like your only strained rhyme. Though I'm not against things that are personally clear to the poet and leave readers to be a little confuddled). Like getting physics in with nature though. "Servants to physics, our time incidental" or such like came into my head.
all things possible, dimensions abound. (love this after physics)
Connections between us elemental,
the roughest are work, real severe dental
without novacaine, filled, drilled, cleaned, and crowned. (Really like this imagery, though it is pretty ugly- assume this was intended!)
Forces of nature are fundamental,
living and non-, inter-continental, (found this one a bit awkward)
organized chaos, erratic and round. (loved this line)
Connections between us elemental,
deep-rooted soul, to pure ornamental, (and loved this line)
while seeking to find what's already found. (and this one
)Forces of nature are fundamental,
connections between us elemental.
Really strong ending. Hope some comments are of use.
RBJ