12-07-2016, 11:33 AM
Hi Coquette,
This one is a bit vague. It is not clear exactly who the narrator is or why the narrator gets to be considered not threadbare. It is not clear why the narrator is trying to reach anyone at all and it is not clear why they can't see him/her. And it is not clear exactly who the threadbare people are or why they are that way. My best guess is that the threadbare people are living shallow, selfish lives, and/or not living up to their full potential, and that the narrator somehow has discovered a better way of living, perhaps a selfless life or a more fulfilled or happy life? But it is very vague. That being said, you have some pretty lines here and perhaps with a little trim they could be a sort of cryptic little short poem. I will offer suggestions with that thought, but if you go the other rout and expand on the idea to add clarity, then probably disregard them.
Day after day they slip
through my fingers,
they who were not shown
the fabric of life.
They don't see me,
the sweet sweat,
the sunny breeze.
I don't reach their ears.
They flaunt, they jeer,
lack human compassion,
and care less who's near.
They live all for themselves.
Their fabric is threadbare.
------
And I don't mean for you do do it exactly that way, it's just an example of how you could cut and paste it into something more compact, sharpen the image a bit. Otherwise, perhaps do the opposite and expand with a bit more of the story so the reader can see what is going on.
I love the concept of the threadbare people. I think you could do a lot with that image. Like with the "slip through the fingers" line I thought at first the thread was slipping away from the fabric. Anyway, I think it's got some very pretty bones, just needs the lens focused a bit.
I hope something in all this ramble was helpful. I look forward to seeing where you take it!
--Quix
This one is a bit vague. It is not clear exactly who the narrator is or why the narrator gets to be considered not threadbare. It is not clear why the narrator is trying to reach anyone at all and it is not clear why they can't see him/her. And it is not clear exactly who the threadbare people are or why they are that way. My best guess is that the threadbare people are living shallow, selfish lives, and/or not living up to their full potential, and that the narrator somehow has discovered a better way of living, perhaps a selfless life or a more fulfilled or happy life? But it is very vague. That being said, you have some pretty lines here and perhaps with a little trim they could be a sort of cryptic little short poem. I will offer suggestions with that thought, but if you go the other rout and expand on the idea to add clarity, then probably disregard them.
(12-04-2016, 11:58 AM)Coquette16 Wrote: I wrote this 16 years ago...I would like to mold it into something betterFor it to make sense with those deletions, I would put it in this order:
--------
Their Fabric is Thread-Bare
How sad it is,
day after day
they slip through my fingers,
most of them.
I don't reach their ears.
They don't see me.
How sad it is,
that they were not shown
the fabric of life;
the sweet sweat of life,
the sunny breeze of life,
the smile from the soul
because of life.
How frightening it is;
they lack human compassion.
They flaunt, they jeer;
they care less who's near.
All for them
and them for themselves.
Their fabric is thread-bare.
Day after day they slip
through my fingers,
they who were not shown
the fabric of life.
They don't see me,
the sweet sweat,
the sunny breeze.
I don't reach their ears.
They flaunt, they jeer,
lack human compassion,
and care less who's near.
They live all for themselves.
Their fabric is threadbare.
------
And I don't mean for you do do it exactly that way, it's just an example of how you could cut and paste it into something more compact, sharpen the image a bit. Otherwise, perhaps do the opposite and expand with a bit more of the story so the reader can see what is going on.
I love the concept of the threadbare people. I think you could do a lot with that image. Like with the "slip through the fingers" line I thought at first the thread was slipping away from the fabric. Anyway, I think it's got some very pretty bones, just needs the lens focused a bit.
I hope something in all this ramble was helpful. I look forward to seeing where you take it!--Quix
The Soufflé isn’t the soufflé; the soufflé is the recipe. --Clara