12-06-2016, 01:46 PM
I think you communicate the thoughts and feelings of the underlying complications of everyday life for yourself and similarly affected readers really well. I had no trouble understanding or relating to this poem, in its entirety- and I think the constant assault of the word "You" ensures this (so, I guess this will be a big hit with people who "get it"- and perhaps confuse those that don't!). Even though it is obvious the writer is talking about him/herself, the continuous use of "you" simultaneously grabs the reader, bravo.
Have you read this back out loud? My honest opinion is that the meaning, communication to and influence on the reader are spot on. Really good.
But it is let down a bit structurally here and there, at times potentially stopping the reader's flow. I know there isn't a set structure here, and I am all for that, but I think the poem could be made even better if made to comply with that unwritten, undefined structure: read-aloud-ability. This is just my opinion- I am a glutton for poetry that reads out loud even if it is perfect on paper and gets across it's intended message.
So to this effect I've put a few notes below to illustrate my opinion, and hopefully assist any revisions you make.
All in all, I really related to this poem and enjoyed reading it a lot!
[quote='89layers' pid='221487' dateline='1480906856']
Sometimes you feel like you're up against a wall.
You hold on tightly, as all heroes do. (love the idea of the daily grind being heroic! As so many peoples' days are a struggle, compared to the lucky privileged few!).
You're fighting with your all,
but it is not enough.
And you could give a damn if it's gonna be so tough.
You hide away the pain or you take another drink.
You pretend not to care, but you worry what they think.
If they think of you at all, you could gamble that they don't. Love the opening 8 lines. It actually pushes the poem's message without even needing the rest, in my opinion! Phonetically it reads really well. The rest of the poem does enhance this feeling, though, just it's great that it hits home early on.
You pick your poison or your vice and pray it gets you through the day, but you know it won't. I'm sure you deliberately extended this line- but after the first 9 lines rolled off the tongue I almost think it might better to continue the rhythm of the poem? By the time I've battled through this really long line my brain barely registers the don't/won't rhyme.
(sugg:
You hope your vices/poisons get you through the day, inevitably they won't.)
You fumble through your days and flip through magazines.
You sit on your phone, staring at the screen.
Love the idea of fumbling through days, great phrase- I fumble through far too many days
. Follow up is also strong but poetically/phonetically maybe revise whilst keeping the meaning, i.e: "you stare at the screen/always staring at the screen"?
I'd consider the syllables in each line, though if you intend this to sound awkward you are succeeding, especially as the poem reads so smoothly thus far. Even if all is intentional to signify meaning, I think with revision of syllables through adding some relevant adjectives, you can make this read more smoothly and enhance the message- mirroring the ease with which many of us waste or "fumble through" such days. Maybe I'm going too far
(sugg:
You idly fumble through your days whilst scanning magazines,
You check your phone with every minute, staring blankly at the screen)
Maybe go outside a bit if you can find the strength.
You tell yourself "tomorrow" or "it is not that bad." I'd consider revising this line, in terms of stresses and syllables- as again it's a little awkward to read, and I think with revision you can make it smoother, and emphasise your message further with stronger language.
(sugg:
Maybe go outside a bit, if you can find the strength;
You convince yourself "tomorrow", preaching "it is not that bad.")
But you can't even hear the music, (Yet instead of but? Actually read it again and preferred but- wasn't too keen on either, your forceful use of the word "You" to begin lines is much stronger than both but have to rejig whole line to change that)
unless it tells of something sad. (love this)
All those songs that talk of promise!
You just can't relate. Another place where I'd consider adding a couple of syllables? (sugg: You quite simply can't relate - "quite simply" is awful/[athetic, I just used it to hopefully demonstrate the rhythm running along more smoothly)
You care a little less each day until you're barely trying.
You get to work a little late,
and no one is the wiser that your soul, inside is dying. In line with your effective inconsistent meter, I actually think a short line would be great here! (sugg: They don't know your soul is dying.)
Then to wade through the hours and the bullshit, without a medal or a friend. You instead of to? cut the "the"s? Not sure the medal image is great here- "do you want a medal" is flippantly used in the UK as a phrase mocking people finding little achievement in small, seemingly easy things.
(sugg: Then you wade through hours and/of bullshit without achievement or a friend.
You go numb from lonliness and wish that it could end. Maybe "you" instead of and? Your use of You is strong and enforces the message upon the reader, so surely better than "and" which has poetic quality nor effect upon the reader- can say the same thing but more effectively? I also feel an extra syllable makes this a better read (sugg: You're numb from looping loneliness, you wish that this could end)
You escape reality through a day dream or a game,
but duty calls your name. Can further personify duty here, beyond just calling your name, suggestion underneath)
You pack up your lunch and, with it, all your pain.
Then you paint your smile on,
and shuffle off to start again. (love the use of shuffle up, immediately I resonated of some of my own daily grinds)
Found the last 6 lines v.disjointed... felt like a tough read and I am a patient reader! Just didn't think it was on par with the rest of this piece. I assume this is deliberate but as a reader I enjoyed the last 6 lines the least by a long way, you made your point in earlier stanzas fantastically, with great rhythm, clever lines, forceful language in terms of the effect you want to have on the reader.
(Sugg:
You're numbed by looping loneliness, you wish that this could end.
You escape your bleak reality, through daydreams or a game.
Yet your duty rears its ugly head, she/he summons you by name;
So you pack your lunch and deep within you bury all your pain-
Then you paint your spurious smile on,
Shuffle off and start again.
Sorry for a long critique within the novice threads, been at it 25 mins without really stopping, just scrolled up and saw length of it :
Just really liked this poem, purely as it hits home with me so strongly- and I wanted to give you every thought or idea to further inspire you if you revisit it. Also my suggestions are just that, maybe you read in a diff way. Some of them are not great but mainly used to demonstrate each point.
I think you have grasped the important part of poetry here, i.e. communicating a clear message, well done I think with edits this could be awesome!
RBJ
Have you read this back out loud? My honest opinion is that the meaning, communication to and influence on the reader are spot on. Really good.
But it is let down a bit structurally here and there, at times potentially stopping the reader's flow. I know there isn't a set structure here, and I am all for that, but I think the poem could be made even better if made to comply with that unwritten, undefined structure: read-aloud-ability. This is just my opinion- I am a glutton for poetry that reads out loud even if it is perfect on paper and gets across it's intended message.
So to this effect I've put a few notes below to illustrate my opinion, and hopefully assist any revisions you make.
All in all, I really related to this poem and enjoyed reading it a lot!
[quote='89layers' pid='221487' dateline='1480906856']
Sometimes you feel like you're up against a wall.
You hold on tightly, as all heroes do. (love the idea of the daily grind being heroic! As so many peoples' days are a struggle, compared to the lucky privileged few!).
You're fighting with your all,
but it is not enough.
And you could give a damn if it's gonna be so tough.
You hide away the pain or you take another drink.
You pretend not to care, but you worry what they think.
If they think of you at all, you could gamble that they don't. Love the opening 8 lines. It actually pushes the poem's message without even needing the rest, in my opinion! Phonetically it reads really well. The rest of the poem does enhance this feeling, though, just it's great that it hits home early on.
You pick your poison or your vice and pray it gets you through the day, but you know it won't. I'm sure you deliberately extended this line- but after the first 9 lines rolled off the tongue I almost think it might better to continue the rhythm of the poem? By the time I've battled through this really long line my brain barely registers the don't/won't rhyme.
(sugg:
You hope your vices/poisons get you through the day, inevitably they won't.)
You fumble through your days and flip through magazines.
You sit on your phone, staring at the screen.
Love the idea of fumbling through days, great phrase- I fumble through far too many days
. Follow up is also strong but poetically/phonetically maybe revise whilst keeping the meaning, i.e: "you stare at the screen/always staring at the screen"? I'd consider the syllables in each line, though if you intend this to sound awkward you are succeeding, especially as the poem reads so smoothly thus far. Even if all is intentional to signify meaning, I think with revision of syllables through adding some relevant adjectives, you can make this read more smoothly and enhance the message- mirroring the ease with which many of us waste or "fumble through" such days. Maybe I'm going too far
(sugg:
You idly fumble through your days whilst scanning magazines,
You check your phone with every minute, staring blankly at the screen)
Maybe go outside a bit if you can find the strength.
You tell yourself "tomorrow" or "it is not that bad." I'd consider revising this line, in terms of stresses and syllables- as again it's a little awkward to read, and I think with revision you can make it smoother, and emphasise your message further with stronger language.
(sugg:
Maybe go outside a bit, if you can find the strength;
You convince yourself "tomorrow", preaching "it is not that bad.")
But you can't even hear the music, (Yet instead of but? Actually read it again and preferred but- wasn't too keen on either, your forceful use of the word "You" to begin lines is much stronger than both but have to rejig whole line to change that)
unless it tells of something sad. (love this)
All those songs that talk of promise!
You just can't relate. Another place where I'd consider adding a couple of syllables? (sugg: You quite simply can't relate - "quite simply" is awful/[athetic, I just used it to hopefully demonstrate the rhythm running along more smoothly)
You care a little less each day until you're barely trying.
You get to work a little late,
and no one is the wiser that your soul, inside is dying. In line with your effective inconsistent meter, I actually think a short line would be great here! (sugg: They don't know your soul is dying.)
Then to wade through the hours and the bullshit, without a medal or a friend. You instead of to? cut the "the"s? Not sure the medal image is great here- "do you want a medal" is flippantly used in the UK as a phrase mocking people finding little achievement in small, seemingly easy things.
(sugg: Then you wade through hours and/of bullshit without achievement or a friend.
You go numb from lonliness and wish that it could end. Maybe "you" instead of and? Your use of You is strong and enforces the message upon the reader, so surely better than "and" which has poetic quality nor effect upon the reader- can say the same thing but more effectively? I also feel an extra syllable makes this a better read (sugg: You're numb from looping loneliness, you wish that this could end)
You escape reality through a day dream or a game,
but duty calls your name. Can further personify duty here, beyond just calling your name, suggestion underneath)
You pack up your lunch and, with it, all your pain.
Then you paint your smile on,
and shuffle off to start again. (love the use of shuffle up, immediately I resonated of some of my own daily grinds)
Found the last 6 lines v.disjointed... felt like a tough read and I am a patient reader! Just didn't think it was on par with the rest of this piece. I assume this is deliberate but as a reader I enjoyed the last 6 lines the least by a long way, you made your point in earlier stanzas fantastically, with great rhythm, clever lines, forceful language in terms of the effect you want to have on the reader.
(Sugg:
You're numbed by looping loneliness, you wish that this could end.
You escape your bleak reality, through daydreams or a game.
Yet your duty rears its ugly head, she/he summons you by name;
So you pack your lunch and deep within you bury all your pain-
Then you paint your spurious smile on,
Shuffle off and start again.
Sorry for a long critique within the novice threads, been at it 25 mins without really stopping, just scrolled up and saw length of it :
Just really liked this poem, purely as it hits home with me so strongly- and I wanted to give you every thought or idea to further inspire you if you revisit it. Also my suggestions are just that, maybe you read in a diff way. Some of them are not great but mainly used to demonstrate each point.
I think you have grasped the important part of poetry here, i.e. communicating a clear message, well done I think with edits this could be awesome!
RBJ