Latino Spin

[Sparkydashforth]

Hi Lizziep,
yea I do have a flair for the incomplete sentence and arbitrary fragment
I'll try to fix this.

Prost!

Buttocks push; breasts boast -- this line is kind of a tongue twister. I don't think the semi colon is needed since a comma would suffice.
through non-existent crowds.
A choreographed squall
above the whir and clunk
of loaded appliances. -- not sure I like 'loaded.' Doesn't seem to add much, unless it's a sexual innuendo. This isn't a complete sentence.

Hispanic girls acting out
in a Laundromat. -- also not a complete sentence -- 'acting out' is a little cliche
Hips gesture, hands stab -- I like that the hips gesture instead of the hands
and tussle with unwashed issues. -- I like 'unwashed issues.'

I’m distracted by the overheated hum,
can’t read the print
of my paperback. Words run
naked over yellow pages,
sweat and lay down
under a fierce fluorescence. -- great strophe. Like particularly 'words run naked' and 'sweat and lay down'.

Skimpy shorts and gang-inks. -- another incomplete sentence. Grrrrr....
The porous sound of feral hormones -- like 'porous sound'
seethes over some slight,
branded onto a Facebook page. -- the only thing that bugs me here is that the younger generation where I am doesn't use facebook much -- it's more Snapchat or Twitter. Minor.


They flop onto the slatted bench
produce a smart phone,
scroll through pictures,
moue and glower softening
as baby shots are thumbed. -- don't like the passive voice of 'are thumbed.'
Melting smiles, then

they hold up the cell for me to see. -- I like that there's a moment of connection between the subjects and the speaker.
When they get up -- comma
the backs of their thighs
are marked by the wooden seat. -- I like that you end with observation. The potential sexual connotations leave the reader wondering if the rest of the story is being purposefully omitted.

You have a flair for surprising description. Just....complete sentences!

Hope this helps some,

lizziep