intangible

[HaleINthewind]

Edit:

Amber round the rusting tarn, oak tree spindles
net Gedanke from the wind.
Their grasp too weak, the sky too vast,
they cannot understand what passes
through their fingers. Their reflections
are wise enough to dance alone,
ignorant of shadows that
dance behind them.


Long before the day is night
and memories autumn fog,
leaf skeletons crumble in toddlers' hands This is strong easy to see imagery and probably my favorite bit. It hits the sense.
and crackle underfoot;
before the thread of self is glimpsed
and lost in dappled garden shade,
is lost amongst the tangled strings
the shallow faces left behind -
these phantoms haunt the garden path, haunt trails of lace,
will never leave the maze -


and while the driveway gravel crunches
under fallen leaves, the Himalayas
shrink to dust and pavements grind
to sand, the car to rust.




Original:

Leaves turn brown, crunch underfoot, vein
skeletons crumble in toddler's grasp
before day is night and memories tear,
before the thread of self
is found and lost in dappled shade and
lost amongst the tangled strings of
pathways left by shallow faces -
phantoms haunt the garden path,
haunt trails of lace -
and while the driveway gravel crunches,
the Himalayas shrink to dust
and driveway gravel grinds to sand:

on steely sand,
the car rusts,
becomes sand.

 I just wanna say I greatly enjoyed this poem. Especially the end the zooming out to something as large as Himalayas shrinking and back in again to the driveway and  car is really nice. It really highlights the passage of time and sums it all up with nice ribbon and bow. Showing in time all things pass and end or are reformed. I think that topic is probably an overdone one. The way you have written it though is a nice take and doesn't feel cliched to me. Others with more experience may be able to help you more. Thanks for the read.