The maniac

[Alic Elliot]

1st edit

His mind greatly bruised and out of joint

with dislocated speech hard to place 

he shouts to silence in his solitude:
"you think I am some kind of circus freak" Capitalize the beginning of dialogue

To death he shouts "I'll take the bullet"
for he has already duelled with the devil
he stood back to back and even faced him
without a killer shot hit against him  This sentence just doesn't sound nice. My advice is use ‘shot’ or ‘hit’, not both. Another option would be adding a conjunction, such as ‘or'. 

For he rides up the hall on a chest of drawers
over the Alps on his proud elephant.
waking unsuspecting patients from sleep
hoping to enlist them to do battle
but staff contain his great rebellion I really like this stanza. Mostly because of the visuals it gives.

As his condition worsens further
he is swallowed and consumed by the beast
where his base ways are chewed and digested
before being spewed out of its jaws
now more able to live with mind in joint. Are you suggesting that he becane sane?

Original

His mind greatly bruised and out of its joint
with dislocated speech hard to place
he shouts to silence in his solitude:
"you think I am some kind of circus freak"
but she says nothing to him in reply

To death he shouts "I'll take the bullet" 
for he has already duelled with the devil
he stood back to back and even faced him
without a killer shot hit against him
except the killer shot to his sanity.

For he rides up the hall on a chest of drawers
over the Alps on his proud elephant.
waking unsuspecting patients from sleep
hoping to enlist them to do battle
but staff contain his great rebellion.

As his condition worsens further
he’s plunged into the belly of the beast
where his base ways are chewed and digested 
before being spewed out of its jaws
now more able to live with mind in joint.