11-26-2016, 03:00 PM
Thanks for everyone's thoughts.
I sort of wanted each stanza to be like a joke, with the beginning being the set-up and the ending being the punchline. Everything's so sweet and innocent in the beginning, but at the end of each stanza there's a twist (the scene is disgusting, the person got beat, they ate still born sheep), sort of like a Flannery O'Connor story. I don't know if I succeeded, but I like what I have here enough to want to keep working on it, and I'll think about all your suggestions.
I hadn't thought of the double entendre that Lizzie pointed out, so maybe I'll try and do something more (or less) with that.
I sort of wanted each stanza to be like a joke, with the beginning being the set-up and the ending being the punchline. Everything's so sweet and innocent in the beginning, but at the end of each stanza there's a twist (the scene is disgusting, the person got beat, they ate still born sheep), sort of like a Flannery O'Connor story. I don't know if I succeeded, but I like what I have here enough to want to keep working on it, and I'll think about all your suggestions.
I hadn't thought of the double entendre that Lizzie pointed out, so maybe I'll try and do something more (or less) with that.