intangible

[Sparkydashforth]

Hi Gedenkespieler,

there's lots to like in this work
some suggestions -

Leaves turn brown, crunch underfoot, vein
skeletons crumble in toddler's grasp..................very clear life and death imagery
before day is night and memories tear,
before the thread of self
is found and lost in dappled shade and
lost amongst the tangled strings of
pathways left by shallow faces -................this is a bit too much muse to take in in one gulp - suggest you distil.
phantoms haunt the garden path,
haunt trails of lace -
and while the driveway gravel crunches,
the Himalayas shrink to dust
and driveway gravel grinds to sand:..............nicely said. I would end the poem here.

on steely sand,
the car rusts,
becomes sand................the repeat of 'sand' and the belaboring of the thought drags the poem down.

Revise this and conquer!