11-25-2016, 12:52 AM
(10-12-2016, 02:03 AM)zorcas Wrote: Hi Zorcas, I find myseld wanting more subtlety and nuance in this work. For me it has too much of a bodice ripping,
Mills and Boon romance quality it it.
Wine and a fire's crackling warmth............too clichéd an approach for me.
Carnivorous wants cloaked
in anxious whispers.........................I like the two lines but I want more erotic imagery
I', missing the tactile aspect.
Fluid familiar moves.
The asynchrony of two explosions.
A duet of gasps fading.....................like these lines, but again give me something to look at.
to ragged breaths.
A repeat of expected rapture
but not expecting his arms
would keep holding her tightly..............illustrate this more, paint the words into images.
He wanted this to never end.............Horrible line, too well worn a phrase
This?
No.
Her.
A new kind of explosion
rose from a whisper to a voice
he never knew he had,
saying, while holding her happily
words he’d never said before...................all too blah and prosaic.
.
Wine and a fire's crackling warmth. EDIT 1
Carnivorous desires cloaked
in anxious whispers.
Familiar fluid moves.
The asynchrony of two explosions.
A duet of gasps softening to ragged breaths...............I like the edit, up to a point.
It still needs more tactility however.
As it stands I would keep the first 5 lines.
Hope my remarks help, it's not my intent to be harsh....I do like
a few of your lines, and hope you will revise and conquer!
A repeat of expected rapture,
but not expecting his arms
would keep holding her closely.
He wanted this to never end.
A new feeling
prompted him to say,
while holding her contently,
words he’d never said before.