11-25-2016, 12:05 AM
Hi Mahjong, I appreciated the effort you have made here. Translating and re-inventing from a foreign language
especially an oriental tongue, is hard enough, making a poem work is sometimes impossible.
In Copper Drum Canyon there’s a man all admire,
A celebrated hunter named So-and-so Tsao. .................the poem starts well, but it could be stronger.
He’s called Nine-Eyed Wolf because up to now,
No prey has ever survived his deadly musket’s fire....................Perhaps a note of explanation along with the poem might have dispensed
with these narrative lines.
Upon laying eyes on Tsao, his prey eschew flight or scurry, ...........this syntax in this sentence is tortured and clumsy.
Perplexed and adept in animalese, he occasioned an inquiry: ............hard to read because of the forced inversions.
Apprise me prey upon espying me, why not run away? .........."espying" is a cringe worthy word.
But the prey only irked Tsao by making a solemn entreaty:
“Frenzied and last-ditch off and running were I to split,
I’d be bagged just the same and kick the bucket.
I’d sooner stay put and on the spot decease,
In my swift demise so salve a measure of peace.
Train your musket on me freely, a bull’s eye I guarantee,
My corpse whole, sound is my soul for Yama to see.”................The lines pretty much all suffer from the weaknesses
mentioned previously.
As an exercise, try writing this out again in plain prose. Note the clarity, and then
find the core images of the work....Attempt tp write outwards from that core, and you
might find the poetry there. Yes, it's a story-poem but it does not have to be so time sequenced.
Good luck!
especially an oriental tongue, is hard enough, making a poem work is sometimes impossible.
In Copper Drum Canyon there’s a man all admire,
A celebrated hunter named So-and-so Tsao. .................the poem starts well, but it could be stronger.
He’s called Nine-Eyed Wolf because up to now,
No prey has ever survived his deadly musket’s fire....................Perhaps a note of explanation along with the poem might have dispensed
with these narrative lines.
Upon laying eyes on Tsao, his prey eschew flight or scurry, ...........this syntax in this sentence is tortured and clumsy.
Perplexed and adept in animalese, he occasioned an inquiry: ............hard to read because of the forced inversions.
Apprise me prey upon espying me, why not run away? .........."espying" is a cringe worthy word.
But the prey only irked Tsao by making a solemn entreaty:
“Frenzied and last-ditch off and running were I to split,
I’d be bagged just the same and kick the bucket.
I’d sooner stay put and on the spot decease,
In my swift demise so salve a measure of peace.
Train your musket on me freely, a bull’s eye I guarantee,
My corpse whole, sound is my soul for Yama to see.”................The lines pretty much all suffer from the weaknesses
mentioned previously.
As an exercise, try writing this out again in plain prose. Note the clarity, and then
find the core images of the work....Attempt tp write outwards from that core, and you
might find the poetry there. Yes, it's a story-poem but it does not have to be so time sequenced.
Good luck!