11-24-2016, 11:32 AM
Achebe: Thanks for the feedback. I agree with your overall assessment. I needed to hear it. This has been a challenge, not least because I can't change names, e.g., Copper Drum Canyon, Tsao, Nine-Eyed Wolf, (King) Yama. Neither can I change the flow and meaning of the story. That said, just so we're on the same page: This is legend that should read with a ring that is light, quaint, playful, surreal; hence, my (shameless) indulgence in rhyming and stilted inversion. I've attempted an initial revision, one that I know still needs work. I've removed some of the inversions and hopefully tempered some of the end-rhyming. I'm shooting for playful, not profound, and not unreadable. Feel free to offer specific suggestions for change, if you have any.
CRNDLSM: I will work on using highlighting to reflect my reading of stressed syllables and then post.
Thank you both!
In Copper Drum Canyon there’s a man all admire,
A celebrated hunter named So-and-so Tsao.
He’s called Nine-Eyed Wolf because up to now,
No prey has ever survived his deadly musket’s fire.
Upon laying eyes on Tsao, his prey eschew flight or scurry,
Perplexed and adept in animalese, he occasioned an inquiry:
Apprise me prey upon espying me, why not run away?
But the prey only irked Tsao by making a solemn entreaty:
“Frenzied and last-ditch off and running were I to split,
I’d be bagged just the same and kick the bucket.
I’d sooner stay put and on the spot decease,
In my swift demise so salve a measure of peace.
Train your musket on me freely, a bull’s eye I guarantee,
My corpse whole, sound is my soul for Yama to see.”
CRNDLSM: I will work on using highlighting to reflect my reading of stressed syllables and then post.
Thank you both!
In Copper Drum Canyon there’s a man all admire,
A celebrated hunter named So-and-so Tsao.
He’s called Nine-Eyed Wolf because up to now,
No prey has ever survived his deadly musket’s fire.
Upon laying eyes on Tsao, his prey eschew flight or scurry,
Perplexed and adept in animalese, he occasioned an inquiry:
Apprise me prey upon espying me, why not run away?
But the prey only irked Tsao by making a solemn entreaty:
“Frenzied and last-ditch off and running were I to split,
I’d be bagged just the same and kick the bucket.
I’d sooner stay put and on the spot decease,
In my swift demise so salve a measure of peace.
Train your musket on me freely, a bull’s eye I guarantee,
My corpse whole, sound is my soul for Yama to see.”