11-24-2016, 09:33 AM
Before I get down to the nitty-gritty of a critique, I just first wanted to send you a note about the message of your poem. Wow. I get it. Completely.
I envision a 20-something man who is perhaps doing what he has a passion for and/or is still finding his way, yet his father has always been and still is disappointed that his son is not making the big-bucks. The father, most likely, is...the son is most likely just getting by, but is a good person, has just what he needs. The father may not say outright that he's disappointed in his son, but keeps pulling him aside and making comments about a "stable future" and "standing on [your] own two feet"...
In fact, I think, rather than picking the poem apart...consider that my critique. If I am way off, well then maybe you have some more work to do!
Keep at it!
-Coquette
quote='Jo Frumple' pid='220991' dateline='1479853481']
What do you want of me father?
You know, I'll never be like you.
Is that what you'd like?
For a kid who'd be so quick to judge
To scrutinize and dissect all too?
What do you want of me father?
A wealth laden career and guise
So pristinely white?
Perhaps a glib well-to-do consort?
The pick relies on what his cash buys.
What do you want of me father?
The dismal case prevails through it
No wealth no power
Will ever to you prove the verity
That good resides outside a wallet
What do you want of me father?
I'll grow up and go on to do,
With all love in heart,
Searching truth, beauty, goodness for all.
You know, I'll never be like you.
[/quote]
I envision a 20-something man who is perhaps doing what he has a passion for and/or is still finding his way, yet his father has always been and still is disappointed that his son is not making the big-bucks. The father, most likely, is...the son is most likely just getting by, but is a good person, has just what he needs. The father may not say outright that he's disappointed in his son, but keeps pulling him aside and making comments about a "stable future" and "standing on [your] own two feet"...
In fact, I think, rather than picking the poem apart...consider that my critique. If I am way off, well then maybe you have some more work to do!
Keep at it!
-Coquette
quote='Jo Frumple' pid='220991' dateline='1479853481']
What do you want of me father?
You know, I'll never be like you.
Is that what you'd like?
For a kid who'd be so quick to judge
To scrutinize and dissect all too?
What do you want of me father?
A wealth laden career and guise
So pristinely white?
Perhaps a glib well-to-do consort?
The pick relies on what his cash buys.
What do you want of me father?
The dismal case prevails through it
No wealth no power
Will ever to you prove the verity
That good resides outside a wallet
What do you want of me father?
I'll grow up and go on to do,
With all love in heart,
Searching truth, beauty, goodness for all.
You know, I'll never be like you.
[/quote]