11-23-2016, 01:46 AM
can't decide if your love's become poison or soma
it's typical tobacco teamed with cold coffee
crutches on which we navigate our particle of the cosmos
warm light beaming through the shutters
it's morning and we've sinned again
Just some general thoughts: "typical" is interesting here; on the one hand, it seems that what you want to express is "it's the usual," where 'it' refers to your morning coffee and smoke (this would be descriptive); on the other hand, with "it's typical," at least the way I read it, the 'it' wants to refer back to your love, in which case you are describing it as of the type that might be suggested by 'tobacco teamed with cold coffee' (this would be thinking out loud more than straightforward description), in which case you might wish to do a bit more with 'tobacco' (e.g., 'a second-hand smoke'--just shooting from the hip--I don't smoke, so the argot eludes me). The "crutches..." line becomes abstract--I'm not sure I wouldn't prefer sticking with vivid description of the setting that might allude to what the abstract formulation baldly spoon feeds. Tobacco and cold coffee suggest to me 'young' 'urban' 'apartment'--maybe a little decadence. "Shutters" suggests to me a (clean) house in the suburbs or countryside. 'Sinned," too, moves this more to the suburbs, maybe somewhere in the bible belt; it also heavily stacks the deck in favor of "poison," which is (in and of itself) unfortunate and might defuse the gravity of your opening quandary by revealing the locus of the problem.
it's typical tobacco teamed with cold coffee
crutches on which we navigate our particle of the cosmos
warm light beaming through the shutters
it's morning and we've sinned again
Just some general thoughts: "typical" is interesting here; on the one hand, it seems that what you want to express is "it's the usual," where 'it' refers to your morning coffee and smoke (this would be descriptive); on the other hand, with "it's typical," at least the way I read it, the 'it' wants to refer back to your love, in which case you are describing it as of the type that might be suggested by 'tobacco teamed with cold coffee' (this would be thinking out loud more than straightforward description), in which case you might wish to do a bit more with 'tobacco' (e.g., 'a second-hand smoke'--just shooting from the hip--I don't smoke, so the argot eludes me). The "crutches..." line becomes abstract--I'm not sure I wouldn't prefer sticking with vivid description of the setting that might allude to what the abstract formulation baldly spoon feeds. Tobacco and cold coffee suggest to me 'young' 'urban' 'apartment'--maybe a little decadence. "Shutters" suggests to me a (clean) house in the suburbs or countryside. 'Sinned," too, moves this more to the suburbs, maybe somewhere in the bible belt; it also heavily stacks the deck in favor of "poison," which is (in and of itself) unfortunate and might defuse the gravity of your opening quandary by revealing the locus of the problem.