11-21-2016, 04:51 PM
(11-06-2016, 11:11 PM)tectak Wrote: Lagopus
Lagopus lagopus scotica, I'm sure you know better than to not leave this name in italics! And so --
chuckling at shortening days. I see why you changed "chuckling" to "chuckles". Good.
Winter is coming but so are the guns…
Blat blat blat, through heather-hushed heath, The sounds here alternately remind me of the bird itself (which I have never heard, but I could guess) and of the whole season (the Blat! of guns, the hush of stalking). Lovely.
echoing down, in the valley beneath, Why the comma here? Structurally it makes more sense clean, since the two clauses are in essence one, and separating "in the valley beneath" breaks parallelism. If you really want to remove the double prepositions (I personally don't prefer), just remove one of them, as the image still works without. Or maybe use "along" (I could see "down" and "beneath" being too much of a double) then correct the sound by using a different gerund.
filling the wind with knots in air. Knots in the air? I can see the compression waves, sure, but something about the wording doesn't sit well with me....as if the metaphor doesn't really sit right in an otherwise bare poem, or the detail is simply too incidental to have been added.
Sky-line beaters black on grey, Sky-line or skyline? I'm not sure I see what's really being shown here -- I keep reading "bleaters" -- but what I already see, and what I'm sure I hear, is fair enough.
bent to the rain, halooing away, Maybe colon?
Lagopus lagopus scotica,
this may be your last day. I mean, "will" had a good bit of punch, but the speaker here reads more like an observer than a fellow hunter, so yeah, another agreeable change.
Not much to add. It shows what it shows, and that's all there is to it. Of course, I could try for something more metaphorical, but I suppose bird hunting pre-winter isn't particularly close to my heart. Lovely.