Gastronomic Wrinkles in a Porous Continuum

[Sparkydashforth]

Thanks for the fine critique JM
lots of good suggestions

Obliged to you.

In a town not disimilar to your own Clunky double negative
an alien puts on your face.
He has taken
 over the life
that you no longer use. Prose, too verbose

While you were sleeping
you leaked linto an aproximal cosmos typo 'linto'
to be re-engineered by those better suited to being you. verbose
Now each moment offers multiple hypotheticals,
a factor that may kill you, or recall you to yourself again. recall ... again? I don't see the need for both

The alien combs your hair grumbling about the thinness.
He eases into shoes you bought from a Payless Store.
He is leaving a rented apartment, passive - 'he leaves' is more active,more interesting to your reader
a place overrun with traits and characteristics, abstract
your personal underwear. 'personal'not needed
He has borrowed you
while you strove to be unique among the children of Adam. verbose,not needed

You go out to eat. Plans do not go well. prosey,too telling - show us
You stop at a Wendy’s.
You like the cheeseburger ‘mini’s.’
They are better than the ‘Baconnater,’prosey
which you have to crouch over,
your fingers and lips splattered
with karmic chow. 'splatter' doesn't work for this image

At your table you feel like a giant.
The furnishings in Wendy’s
are one eighth smaller than adult size,
you wonder why but keep chomping.

The alien chooses this moment to stops by for chicken salad;
light ranch dressing - no croutons.
From behind his chair, you watch him.
Last week you went to the barber.
The visual memory of the back of your head
is still fresh.
You begin to suspect your life is being usurped. again, 'is being'makes this too passive. Make something active

A woman screams. There is uproar, a pack of peccadilloes
are infesting the restaurant. They scamper and bleat
between the patrons legs. 'are infesting - passive
In the resulting chaos the alien departs. You've already given us 'uproar'
Through a window, you see a man not dissimilar to you, double negative, again irritating
drive away in a old ‘Chevy Malibu’ not dissimilar to your own. ditto

Fast food attains the speed of light. Great phrase but I don't see how it fits here

The grill cook has come out from the back,
he looks like the Swedish chef from the Muppet Show,
in reality, he is a messenger from an uncertain future. Prosey, verbose
Amid the general hubbub, and despite his heavily accented English, 'despite' doesn't make sense here
he demands that you get going
before you meet yourself coming back.

You have a quarter-pounder of a headache.
Ahead, there is a plastic fork in a plastic road. Good!
The plasticity of the choices before you
threatens to destabilize the fabric of this Wendy franchise,
yet you dawdle amidst a pile of unused salt and pepper sachets. the 'yet' doesn't work here

By slight of hand the alien made off sleight
with one of your grease-stained re-cycled napkins,
a DNA encoded document
that will confirm that you are much too poorly adapted
to ever improve upon, something as simple, for instance
as a grilled cheese sandwich. Does Wendy's serve grilled cheese sandwiches? They don't, here

　
~~

I really like the concept but I think you let yourself down with verbosity, too many gerunds, and leaps between tenses. Trim out all the words that aren't doing a job, and try to use more poetic devices such as alliteration, assonance, slant rhyme etc - there's a whole tool box full of them. Steer away from 'that', and prosey statements like 'Last week you went to the barber'. 

I didn't mean to do a line-by-line as this is in Mild. I'd love to see it shed words and shine, though, it's worth working on.

---

Thanks for the fine critique JM
lots of good suggestions

Obliged to you.

In a town not disimilar to your own Clunky double negative
an alien puts on your face.
He has taken
 over the life
that you no longer use. Prose, too verbose

While you were sleeping
you leaked linto an aproximal cosmos typo 'linto'
to be re-engineered by those better suited to being you. verbose
Now each moment offers multiple hypotheticals,
a factor that may kill you, or recall you to yourself again. recall ... again? I don't see the need for both

The alien combs your hair grumbling about the thinness.
He eases into shoes you bought from a Payless Store.
He is leaving a rented apartment, passive - 'he leaves' is more active,more interesting to your reader
a place overrun with traits and characteristics, abstract
your personal underwear. 'personal'not needed
He has borrowed you
while you strove to be unique among the children of Adam. verbose,not needed

You go out to eat. Plans do not go well. prosey,too telling - show us
You stop at a Wendy’s.
You like the cheeseburger ‘mini’s.’
They are better than the ‘Baconnater,’prosey
which you have to crouch over,
your fingers and lips splattered
with karmic chow. 'splatter' doesn't work for this image

At your table you feel like a giant.
The furnishings in Wendy’s
are one eighth smaller than adult size,
you wonder why but keep chomping.

The alien chooses this moment to stops by for chicken salad;
light ranch dressing - no croutons.
From behind his chair, you watch him.
Last week you went to the barber.
The visual memory of the back of your head
is still fresh.
You begin to suspect your life is being usurped. again, 'is being'makes this too passive. Make something active

A woman screams. There is uproar, a pack of peccadilloes
are infesting the restaurant. They scamper and bleat
between the patrons legs. 'are infesting - passive
In the resulting chaos the alien departs. You've already given us 'uproar'
Through a window, you see a man not dissimilar to you, double negative, again irritating
drive away in a old ‘Chevy Malibu’ not dissimilar to your own. ditto

Fast food attains the speed of light. Great phrase but I don't see how it fits here

The grill cook has come out from the back,
he looks like the Swedish chef from the Muppet Show,
in reality, he is a messenger from an uncertain future. Prosey, verbose
Amid the general hubbub, and despite his heavily accented English, 'despite' doesn't make sense here
he demands that you get going
before you meet yourself coming back.

You have a quarter-pounder of a headache.
Ahead, there is a plastic fork in a plastic road. Good!
The plasticity of the choices before you
threatens to destabilize the fabric of this Wendy franchise,
yet you dawdle amidst a pile of unused salt and pepper sachets. the 'yet' doesn't work here

By slight of hand the alien made off sleight
with one of your grease-stained re-cycled napkins,
a DNA encoded document
that will confirm that you are much too poorly adapted
to ever improve upon, something as simple, for instance
as a grilled cheese sandwich. Does Wendy's serve grilled cheese sandwiches? They don't, here

　
~~

I really like the concept but I think you let yourself down with verbosity, too many gerunds, and leaps between tenses. Trim out all the words that aren't doing a job, and try to use more poetic devices such as alliteration, assonance, slant rhyme etc - there's a whole tool box full of them. Steer away from 'that', and prosey statements like 'Last week you went to the barber'. 

I didn't mean to do a line-by-line as this is in Mild. I'd love to see it shed words and shine, though, it's worth working on.

---

No problem JM
it probably does not even qualify as a poem. I just like to write.

I understand how easy it is to get carried away with the critique,
and then realize you have been a little harsh....have done it myself...often.

It's only a bit of scribbling, so I take no offense, and I will take the feedback
and try to improve.

Bless

Thanks for the fine critique JM
lots of good suggestions

Obliged to you.

I really like the concept but I think you let yourself down with verbosity, too many gerunds, and leaps between tenses. Trim out all the words that aren't doing a job, and try to use more poetic devices such as alliteration, assonance, slant rhyme etc - there's a whole tool box full of them. Steer away from 'that', and prosey statements like 'Last week you went to the barber'. 

I didn't mean to do a line-by-line as this is in Mild. I'd love to see it shed words and shine, though, it's worth working on.

---

Thanks for the fine critique JM
lots of good suggestions

Obliged to you.

I really like the concept but I think you let yourself down with verbosity, too many gerunds, and leaps between tenses. Trim out all the words that aren't doing a job, and try to use more poetic devices such as alliteration, assonance, slant rhyme etc - there's a whole tool box full of them. Steer away from 'that', and prosey statements like 'Last week you went to the barber'. 

I didn't mean to do a line-by-line as this is in Mild. I'd love to see it shed words and shine, though, it's worth working on.