11-21-2016, 12:53 AM
Thank you for your feedback! I will certainly reflect on the repetition...
Honestly, I have never felt that poetry must tell a story (referring to your comment about "nothing happening"). As a "novice", is that a misconception? If so, then much of my poetry is, well, going to be torn apart here, perhaps
My first name is actually Coquette. I don't always live up to its meaning; however
The scene here is fine, but virtually nothing happens. I see a person reflecting on a mountain landscape, enjoying the pain from his hiking endeavor. A fine sentiment though perhaps it may fit into a smaller form, or else have its subject expanded slightly. Biggest issue: the repetition of "At the summit" does not reinforce much to me as a reader. It feels needless. I can find reasoning for it as if I were the writer, but none that justify it to me as the reader.
On a side note: interesting name you've got...
You are absolutely reading it right--remembering pain and struggle isn't a bad thing, in my opinion, it's a reminder of what has been accomplished, reconciled, etc. in order to get to the point at which the pain/struggle is an acknowledged occurrence and emotions are no longer tied to it.
I appreciate your feedback
quote='Dan Manyard' pid='220743' dateline='1479593169']
Please take this critique with a grain of salt. Im not an expert.
At The Summit
After scars-- the upward hike of sweat, tears, scrapes, cuts and bruises…
Broken.
At the summit
I breathe in the unrelenting clefts and the protruding edges.
The battered and wounded landscape…
Broken.
At the summit
I listen to the calm landscape and perpetual skies
And touch the vibrant flower in my breast.
At the summit
I am broken and I am scarred
peacefully.
What this says to me is that part of the reason you find peace in hiking and reaching the top is the challenge.
The pains that come along with it are sensations that add to your overall satisfaction. The feeling of being drained and accomplished is what your after just as much as reaching the summit. So, when you say (After Scars-) it says to me that you know you want those bumps and cuts as a badge of honor. It would be fun to see you run with that idea to capture the feeling of your pursuit. If Im reading it right anyway.
[/quote]
Honestly, I have never felt that poetry must tell a story (referring to your comment about "nothing happening"). As a "novice", is that a misconception? If so, then much of my poetry is, well, going to be torn apart here, perhaps
My first name is actually Coquette. I don't always live up to its meaning; however
(11-15-2016, 11:33 PM)UselessBlueprint Wrote:(11-15-2016, 12:57 PM)Coquette16 Wrote:
Not sure which title to use....
Feedback's appreciated! This is my first post (of many!)
Thanks!
At The Summit
After scars-- the upward hike of sweat, tears, scrapes, cuts and bruises…
Broken.
At the summit
I breathe in the unrelenting clefts and the protruding (ouch. that must hurt)
The battered and wounded landscape… (I'd consider an alternative to the ellipses here and on L1)
Broken.
At the summit (I don't think repeating this is necessary)
I listen to the calm landscape and perpetual skies
And touch the vibrant flower in my breast.
At the summit
I am broken and I am scarred
peacefully.
The scene here is fine, but virtually nothing happens. I see a person reflecting on a mountain landscape, enjoying the pain from his hiking endeavor. A fine sentiment though perhaps it may fit into a smaller form, or else have its subject expanded slightly. Biggest issue: the repetition of "At the summit" does not reinforce much to me as a reader. It feels needless. I can find reasoning for it as if I were the writer, but none that justify it to me as the reader.
On a side note: interesting name you've got...
You are absolutely reading it right--remembering pain and struggle isn't a bad thing, in my opinion, it's a reminder of what has been accomplished, reconciled, etc. in order to get to the point at which the pain/struggle is an acknowledged occurrence and emotions are no longer tied to it.
I appreciate your feedback
quote='Dan Manyard' pid='220743' dateline='1479593169']
Please take this critique with a grain of salt. Im not an expert.
At The Summit
After scars-- the upward hike of sweat, tears, scrapes, cuts and bruises…
Broken.
At the summit
I breathe in the unrelenting clefts and the protruding edges.
The battered and wounded landscape…
Broken.
At the summit
I listen to the calm landscape and perpetual skies
And touch the vibrant flower in my breast.
At the summit
I am broken and I am scarred
peacefully.
What this says to me is that part of the reason you find peace in hiking and reaching the top is the challenge.
The pains that come along with it are sensations that add to your overall satisfaction. The feeling of being drained and accomplished is what your after just as much as reaching the summit. So, when you say (After Scars-) it says to me that you know you want those bumps and cuts as a badge of honor. It would be fun to see you run with that idea to capture the feeling of your pursuit. If Im reading it right anyway.
[/quote]