11-19-2016, 11:00 PM
Sparkydashforth,
I like your suggestion, but it is meant to be a gender slanted poem, that is to say it is making a comment about the male gender. However it would make a nice poem (and probably stronger)without gender, such as:
I'd like to offer some advice,
but I'd not want to offend
and bring the us
in my head
to an end.
However as both rely upon the same device, there cannot be two poems. Still, I've decided to put both up for evaluation.
El, Mercedes, offending comma removed. Merc, see the second version as the second line has been removed.
Thanks Ray, I grieve with you over your recent loss. I guess no more games of spades for awhile, eh?
best and thanks for all suggestions and appraisals,
dale
I like your suggestion, but it is meant to be a gender slanted poem, that is to say it is making a comment about the male gender. However it would make a nice poem (and probably stronger)without gender, such as:
I'd like to offer some advice,
but I'd not want to offend
and bring the us
in my head
to an end.
However as both rely upon the same device, there cannot be two poems. Still, I've decided to put both up for evaluation.
El, Mercedes, offending comma removed. Merc, see the second version as the second line has been removed.
Thanks Ray, I grieve with you over your recent loss. I guess no more games of spades for awhile, eh?
best and thanks for all suggestions and appraisals,
dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.