11-18-2016, 01:08 PM
This is a very vivid and well-paced poem. It tells a story, which could be a metaphor for a lot of struggles and successes and the feelings associated.
In a few places I added some comments, but keep in mind that I read the 2nd edition before the 1st edition, and both for the first time.
The great deep swells up sapphire walls above
and the great multitude hem in through the gap
with much trodding and slipping along ("trotting" or "trodding"?)
they move forward and they pick up the pace,
their steps stab into the dark mire below. (great imagery!)
But I struggle, my legs become weak
and give way, soon I am brought to my knees (it seems a new line or semicolon should be used in place of the comma here)
snaking through much dirt and soggy ground ("much" dirt, a bit redundant?)
before becoming bereft of all movement
A great din of horses are behind me
their hooves roar like thunder along the way
my people pass over the horizon
I look back and see my oppressors
their faces wrinkled with hate and anger
with bows at full stretch and javlons ready (javelins?)
They come closer as each second passes
And yet I still remain unmoved on the ground. (still-remain-unmoved: redundant?)
They come so close that I can see
the very whitening of their vengeful eyes
Then the walls come crashing down from above
And the great deluge sweeps them away
devouring the narrow path of salvation (great line!)
My heart pounds and throbs greatly within me
and I’m filled with inexpressible joy
I thank my saviour for allowing me, (no comma)
to witness such a wondrous spectacle
miraculously I find the strength to stand
and walk over the ridge to my people.
I enter a camp of jubilation
with women dancing with tambourines
and men blowing their trumpets loudly
a man comes to greet me from the camp
“where have you been?” He asks me earnestly
“you’ve missed the song of Moses and Miriam.”
“Tell me.” He asks, “Are you the last man?”
“yes.” I reply, “But I feel like the first.” (Great final line--wraps up the story of the poem, concludes the emotional and physical struggle and leaves the reader with a sense of closure and positivity.)
In a few places I added some comments, but keep in mind that I read the 2nd edition before the 1st edition, and both for the first time.
The great deep swells up sapphire walls above
and the great multitude hem in through the gap
with much trodding and slipping along ("trotting" or "trodding"?)
they move forward and they pick up the pace,
their steps stab into the dark mire below. (great imagery!)
But I struggle, my legs become weak
and give way, soon I am brought to my knees (it seems a new line or semicolon should be used in place of the comma here)
snaking through much dirt and soggy ground ("much" dirt, a bit redundant?)
before becoming bereft of all movement
A great din of horses are behind me
their hooves roar like thunder along the way
my people pass over the horizon
I look back and see my oppressors
their faces wrinkled with hate and anger
with bows at full stretch and javlons ready (javelins?)
They come closer as each second passes
And yet I still remain unmoved on the ground. (still-remain-unmoved: redundant?)
They come so close that I can see
the very whitening of their vengeful eyes
Then the walls come crashing down from above
And the great deluge sweeps them away
devouring the narrow path of salvation (great line!)
My heart pounds and throbs greatly within me
and I’m filled with inexpressible joy
I thank my saviour for allowing me, (no comma)
to witness such a wondrous spectacle
miraculously I find the strength to stand
and walk over the ridge to my people.
I enter a camp of jubilation
with women dancing with tambourines
and men blowing their trumpets loudly
a man comes to greet me from the camp
“where have you been?” He asks me earnestly
“you’ve missed the song of Moses and Miriam.”
“Tell me.” He asks, “Are you the last man?”
“yes.” I reply, “But I feel like the first.” (Great final line--wraps up the story of the poem, concludes the emotional and physical struggle and leaves the reader with a sense of closure and positivity.)