11-18-2016, 06:15 AM
quite a lovely meditation of birth
Song For An Early Bird (edit 2.3)
As pulse rates spike you're lifted from your caul
and held above a lacerated womb; i think 'my' would be more intimate than 'a'..expecially since you use i and we in the poem
we exhale when we hear your raucous bawl.
I count the possibilities of doom
upon your toes, my abacus; barbed lines the enjambment is a bit strange here. i guess toes can be barbed lines though
on monitors and regulators beep
a sharp cacophony of vital signs.
You dance the limbo of sedated sleep, love 'dance the limbo' many implications here
machines to graph the flutter of your dreams. lovely contrast to life and machines
I trace your palm, declare your future grand, fortune told
our hopes for you of boyish pranks and schemes
are tightly held in one small grasping hand. tightly and grasping are redundantÂ
You'll be the death of us, our deepest pride
like any other child, but multiplied. the couplet is the weakest part for me. it feels biblical, go forth and multiply adam and eve. this works. i guess the lovely imagery of the quatrains just outperforms the abstraction of the couplet. what is deep pride? probably want a comma after pride and no comma after child. othewise some readings might connect death and multiplied.
anyways. lovely it is.
Song For An Early Bird (edit 2.3)
As pulse rates spike you're lifted from your caul
and held above a lacerated womb; i think 'my' would be more intimate than 'a'..expecially since you use i and we in the poem
we exhale when we hear your raucous bawl.
I count the possibilities of doom
upon your toes, my abacus; barbed lines the enjambment is a bit strange here. i guess toes can be barbed lines though
on monitors and regulators beep
a sharp cacophony of vital signs.
You dance the limbo of sedated sleep, love 'dance the limbo' many implications here
machines to graph the flutter of your dreams. lovely contrast to life and machines
I trace your palm, declare your future grand, fortune told
our hopes for you of boyish pranks and schemes
are tightly held in one small grasping hand. tightly and grasping are redundantÂ
You'll be the death of us, our deepest pride
like any other child, but multiplied. the couplet is the weakest part for me. it feels biblical, go forth and multiply adam and eve. this works. i guess the lovely imagery of the quatrains just outperforms the abstraction of the couplet. what is deep pride? probably want a comma after pride and no comma after child. othewise some readings might connect death and multiplied.
anyways. lovely it is.
Thanks to this Forum
