11-18-2016, 05:14 AM
Thanks Leanne, I had a queasy feeling that I had cocked this up. Yes, it makes more sense
to place latest revs with their less beautiful kin.
L'chaim !
11-16-2016, 07:00 AM (Rev 2)
He studies the dinner card,
ticks off the boxes for Jell-O
and fruit cups; anticipates a deliciousness
that he will later swallow mechanically
on a plastic spoon.
He’s fascinated by his own breath;
tasting it on the exhalation, savoring a coolness,
as lungs struggle to filter air
from the chemical soup of the ward.
He imagines sipping an effervescent sky,
pouring it through a revitalized body. Shivers,
as fingertips recall their tactile experiences.
He turns on his side, curls up into himself.
The skin of his curved spine
delicately corrugated for the caress of latex.
A nurse checks his chart, adds a note.
She does not record a certain spectral gathering
that envelopes him, a swaddling pall covering his flesh
with quilted retrospectives of his mother,
wife, his dog, even a 1958 Plymouth
coddles him, imparts a sky-blue
and chrome enclosure for memories.
At night, he enters a potting shed
made of sweet tobacco, string
and dark red begonias.
From a gun-metal tin,
he takes a small Swiss Army knife,
scrapes a yellow clay from under his fingernails,
trowels wax from crumbling ears,
waters psychic seeds
with the milky drops of dreaming eyes.
By dawn tendrils will have sprouted under his skin,
they will bind up his loose ends,
until he drifts like a gibbous moon
over the new-sprung rack of his bed.
~~
to place latest revs with their less beautiful kin.
L'chaim !
(11-18-2016, 05:00 AM)Leanne Wrote: Hi Sparky,
We've found that for workshopping it's best to keep versions together so that we can make comparisons and see the workshop process in action, rather than posting revisions as a new thread. It's fine to bump your thread with a little post when you've made some changes, just to let people know. I've set this up for you in this thread so you can see what I mean (never fear, most members can't go editing your posts like this, only those of us with unlimited powers to use for our own evil pursuits...).
I'll come back and give the revised version a good going-over soon.
11-16-2016, 07:00 AM (Rev 2)
He studies the dinner card,
ticks off the boxes for Jell-O
and fruit cups; anticipates a deliciousness
that he will later swallow mechanically
on a plastic spoon.
He’s fascinated by his own breath;
tasting it on the exhalation, savoring a coolness,
as lungs struggle to filter air
from the chemical soup of the ward.
He imagines sipping an effervescent sky,
pouring it through a revitalized body. Shivers,
as fingertips recall their tactile experiences.
He turns on his side, curls up into himself.
The skin of his curved spine
delicately corrugated for the caress of latex.
A nurse checks his chart, adds a note.
She does not record a certain spectral gathering
that envelopes him, a swaddling pall covering his flesh
with quilted retrospectives of his mother,
wife, his dog, even a 1958 Plymouth
coddles him, imparts a sky-blue
and chrome enclosure for memories.
At night, he enters a potting shed
made of sweet tobacco, string
and dark red begonias.
From a gun-metal tin,
he takes a small Swiss Army knife,
scrapes a yellow clay from under his fingernails,
trowels wax from crumbling ears,
waters psychic seeds
with the milky drops of dreaming eyes.
By dawn tendrils will have sprouted under his skin,
they will bind up his loose ends,
until he drifts like a gibbous moon
over the new-sprung rack of his bed.
~~