Incurable (revision 18/11/2016)

[Sparkydashforth]

Thanks Todd, another stellar review (not because most of it is positive).
I like your suggestions.
I've had 3 review posts now to help me revise, so no excuses if I fluff it.
Tomorrow I will get busy on this.

Cheers!

I like the bones of this. I haven't read the comments so forgive me if there's repetition. A few notes below:

He studies the dinner card,
carefully ticks off the boxes for Jell-O--quick establishing of age. Efficient opening a bit static but no real complaints. Carefully ticks works for me in that it takes a throwaway type decision and elevates it to that of a key life choice.
and fruit cups; anticipates a deliciousness
that he will later swallow mechanically--I like the contrast between anticipation and reality. I like mechanically. This feels thematic: a rich imagination vs. a bleak reality--sort of like a terminal Walter Mitty.
on a plastic spoon.--plastic gives a sense of the disposable and transient.

He’s fascinated by his own breath;--I love this line. As lines go it would be a more evocative first line.  Obviously that would be a bit of a reworking of lines. I guess I'd say while I liked the introduction of theme above this is the first line that popped for me.
smelling it on the exhalation, savoring a coolness,--I've been attempting to smell my own breath. This feels like a literary conceit and not a reality. You could consider cutting this line and just moving directly to "as lungs struggle..."
as lungs struggle to filter air
from the turgid chemical soup of the ward.
He imagines sipping an effervescent sky,--again the contrast from the last line. This is sort of your unifying principle in the poem chemical soup moves to sipping an effervescent sky (lovely by the way). It's this back and forth that the poem is about. This escape in the mind and memory that the body doesn't allow.
pouring it through a revitalized body.  Shivers,--I like the break on shivers.
as fingertips remember expiring experiences.--This may be stronger cutting expiring experiences. Remember gets you there I think.
He turns on his side, curls up into himself.--Feels like it might be lacking in imagery a bit to set the scene better.
The skin of his bone-racked back,
delicately corrugated
for the embalming caress of latex.I love this progression, especially delicately corrugated. I'm beginning to shy away from these "of ____" constructions. They always sound a little more bolted on than they should. Maybe some slight rewording.

A nurse checks his chart, adds a note.
She does not record a certain gossamer gathering--This could just be me but gossamer always strikes me as so self-consciously poetic. I'm not saying the word is off limits just I don't think the phrasing here sells it.
that envelopes him, a coddling pall that covers his flesh--This though gets back to where it needs to be.
with quilted retrospectives of his mother,
wife, his dog, even a 1958 Plymouth--This progression with its quirky connections is really well done. I like these last too lines very much.
envelopes him — imparts a sky-blue--I'm not a fan of the envelopes him repetition (could just be a style choice on my part).
and chrome lodging for memories.--The more I think about this last part (below the Plymouth) I think I would consider cutting it all. It doesn't seem to do much.

At night, he enters a potting shed--what a beautiful launching point into dream. (at night, he enters). I like that is a place where something grows--a contrast to the waking world.
made of sweet tobacco, string
and dark red begonia’s.--This strophe opens well. I like the sensory elements (kill the apostrophe).
From a gun-metal tin,
he takes a small Swiss Army knife,--This inversion on these last two lines feels a bit clunky.
scrapes a yellow clay from under his fingernails,--lovely line
trowels for wax from crumbling ears,--another killer line.
plants psychic-seeds into that residue; waters them
with the milky drops of his dreaming eyes.--The imagery and the progression is excellent in this strophe.

By dawn tendrils will have sprouted under his skin,--love the imagery in this line and how it fits with the theme. His body wastes away but he restores himelf with his dreams.
they will bind up all his loose ends,
until he drifts like a wane moon--feels like you need to use the adjective rather than the verb (wane).
over the foot of his skeletal bed.--These last three lines seem to foreshadow his death.


~~~~~

I enjoyed the read. I hope the notes help some. 

Best,

Todd