11-16-2016, 08:55 AM
zorcas,
Before I precede, I thought I would address your last comments. All I can say is that is a long way to go to get color repetition.
" I'd hoped, would prompt reflection on how our lives provide fodder for our poems."
It's always nice to stretch oneself and so I commend you for the attempt. Unfortunately, as in many attempts this one also fails to do as you would have it. You introduced to much ambiguity, creating an overload of disruption for the reader.
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“In air swollen with tan shreds and sapphire spheres bobbing and circling white waves ringed in red, Pompeii’s Princess
Penelope finds the fisher’s shack.
Factually Pompeii had no princess as it was Roman and Rome had no Royalty in 79 AD. So "Penelope" must be a metaphor. The first part of the sentence appears to be an attempt to describe of the volcano as it hits the island. However to me it seems overly verbose and one looses the image in all the verbiage.
How can air be swollen with shreds? Also the use of "and twice cannot be allowed. Maybe.
In the air: tan shreds, bobbing sapphire spheres and white waves ringed in red. Although I still can't say that it paints an adequate image.
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“Wet, cold, afraid, she stumbles in, coughing.
Now this person of who we no not what she is, " stumbles in, coughing." This sounds more like a TB ridden drunk, instead of an archetypal personage.
Seeing her friend, Penelope gasps, ‘Verily, Vesuvius hath killed me.’
Verily and forsooth we return to the future of King James, about 1400 years from thence to then.
...and now we not only do not know who Lady "P" is but now a friend of hers is introduced who we also do not know. Is she a goddess or a fish hag?
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‘Fear not. 1. Why the apostrophe? 2. Why not a complete sentence?
I shall breathe new life into you,’ said--”
Meow! Oh I see, when been watching a telenovela and are now being interrupted by the cat.
A bit of cereal,
two blueberries,
five laps of milk left
in my red bowl.
Down it goes.
“That should perk you up.”
Penelope can wait.
Kitty comes first. (That's not always the case you know?)
My salts exactly, pussy always before Pen.
This poem reminds me of the time I tried to carve a marble statue out of talc.
dale
Before I precede, I thought I would address your last comments. All I can say is that is a long way to go to get color repetition.
" I'd hoped, would prompt reflection on how our lives provide fodder for our poems."
It's always nice to stretch oneself and so I commend you for the attempt. Unfortunately, as in many attempts this one also fails to do as you would have it. You introduced to much ambiguity, creating an overload of disruption for the reader.
_________________________________________________________________________________________
“In air swollen with tan shreds and sapphire spheres bobbing and circling white waves ringed in red, Pompeii’s Princess
Penelope finds the fisher’s shack.
Factually Pompeii had no princess as it was Roman and Rome had no Royalty in 79 AD. So "Penelope" must be a metaphor. The first part of the sentence appears to be an attempt to describe of the volcano as it hits the island. However to me it seems overly verbose and one looses the image in all the verbiage.
How can air be swollen with shreds? Also the use of "and twice cannot be allowed. Maybe.
In the air: tan shreds, bobbing sapphire spheres and white waves ringed in red. Although I still can't say that it paints an adequate image.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
“Wet, cold, afraid, she stumbles in, coughing.
Now this person of who we no not what she is, " stumbles in, coughing." This sounds more like a TB ridden drunk, instead of an archetypal personage.
Seeing her friend, Penelope gasps, ‘Verily, Vesuvius hath killed me.’
Verily and forsooth we return to the future of King James, about 1400 years from thence to then.
...and now we not only do not know who Lady "P" is but now a friend of hers is introduced who we also do not know. Is she a goddess or a fish hag?
-----------------------------------
‘Fear not. 1. Why the apostrophe? 2. Why not a complete sentence?
I shall breathe new life into you,’ said--”
Meow! Oh I see, when been watching a telenovela and are now being interrupted by the cat.
A bit of cereal,
two blueberries,
five laps of milk left
in my red bowl.
Down it goes.
“That should perk you up.”
Penelope can wait.
Kitty comes first. (That's not always the case you know?)
My salts exactly, pussy always before Pen.
This poem reminds me of the time I tried to carve a marble statue out of talc.
dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.